Update

Have had lots to say, but not been in the mood to write.....

Am struggling with a few things and feeling a lot of pressure with studies and assignments, but doing my best.

Frustrated

I've been feeling very down since yesterday. I'm hoping it's hormonal, though, and really want it to pass. One of the things that is frustrating me a bit is that I have to go to the hospital EVERYday to have this bit where they drained the abscess cleaned and bandaged by the nurse. It pretty much interrupts the flow of my day as just when I get into what I am working on, I have to get up and go to the surgery for my appointment.

Yesterday, I mentioned that it was hurting a bit and the nurse did notice it was somewhat tender and there was a slight hardness remaining around the open wound. As a result, she asked the GP to have a look at it when I was there today and he said he will have another look on Monday to see if there is any improvement between now and then. He also said that he wanted me to have another blood test, which really unnerved me. As it turns out, my sugar level should be between 4 and 6 and mine was 6.1. (The cholesterol should be between 3.6 and 7.8 and mine was 5.3.) I am completely certain that the other doctor had told me the sugar was 5.3 and the cholesterol was 6.1. As I sit and think about it, I am even more certain given one or two things he said to me and the fact that he never recommended further tests or expressed concern, there and then. Anyway, this doctor and nurse must have noted it when reviewing my details prior to my arrival today and, therefore, recommended that I take another blood test and make sure I don't have diabetes or to determine whether I am in that pre-diabetic stage, which will need to be addressed in either case. I do appreciate that they noticed this and everything, but I do feel upset and worried by it. Here it is I though I was doing ok on the sugar front, but now it seems I might not be. Well, I guess can at least be thankful that the cholesterol number is down.

I really feel lonely and scared dealing with stuff like this - any stuff to do with the doctor or whatever. And like I said, I have been feeling so emotional lately. Yesterday and this afternoon I sat at my desk just crying. Part of it was missing B and part just feeling lonely and frustrated. You know, I went and read "blind blogger's" blog today and it upset me a little more. I don't want to be with her or anything, but I guess, if I'm honest, I miss feeling a little connected to someone and I feel a bit pissed that her life seems so ok, while I am struggling. (She is seeing a guy these days and is head over heels in love with him. So much for her never wanting a man.) I know it is wrong of my to be angry about someone else's happiness, but it does bug me even though I don't want her, like I said. Maybe I don't like how she flaunts it so much on her blog. I don't know.

My brother is here in the UK visiting for a week. We met up on Tuesday and went for lunch and then I had to do a little shopping. Each time I was at the counter paying for my things he gave them his card, so I didn't have dish out a penny (or "pence" over here). This was great because I my iPod croaked and I needed a new one, so this was one of the things he got me. He's super generous like that - we all are - and I appreciate he did this. He was with his new girlfriend. I know her already. She's liked him for a while and now they are together, it seems, so good for them. It was really nice to see him, but I did get a little reality check as he was leaving because I asked him when I might see him again and he squished up his face and sort of laughed, so I left it at that. Since he is with his friend, I didn't expect we would spend lots of time together, but thought I might see him at least once more before he went back home, but I guess not. I felt a little stupid for thinking that, even if my expectations were not that high, but whatever...

Last night I was feeling so terrible and I sent a message to my best friend back on Invisible Island and just said I am feeling a bit blue and wanted to say hi. She wrote me back saying, "Well, I am feeling black AND blue, so I must be worst than you." I wrote her back to ask her why she was feeling that way, but she didn't write me back. Normally, I would call to make sure she is ok, but I just left it alone because I was needing support and just wanted to think of myself. I am not good at asking for help or letting people know when I am not doing well. I sometimes rely on people figuring it out, which I probably why I tend to prefer being around highly intuitive and perceptive people. I don't always have access to that, though.

More I want to write. Maybe later.

What a (Yester)Day!

I had intended to write this yesterday, when I got home, but I was supremely pooped and went to bed instead.

Well, yesterday began with me going to my doctor first thing in the morning for a follow up on this cyst on my chest. By then it was really looking unpretty! He told me he would arrange for me to meet with the surgeon who would advise how to sort it. Later in the day I got a call telling me to go to the hospital to meet with the "surgical team" which sounded rather unnerving. I had a lecture so I went after that.

I was really nervous and started to feel so down. First, the hospital I had to go to was quite a distance away and I had to catch a cab which was pretty costly. It was also the hospital where I visited B when she was ill. I found myself thinking of her so much and missing her terribly. It was just that I knew if she was alive, no matter what she was doing, and no matter how she felt, she would have wanted to take me to the hospital and to be with me and make sure everything was ok. I wouldn't even have to ask her, she would just do it. For me, it's important and special to have a friend like this because I am not good at asking for help. Anyway, I just couldn't seem to stop thinking of B the whole time I was at the hospital and at one point I even shed a few tears. I think the doctor probably thought it was due to the pain as they were doing the procedure, but I was just wishing B was there with me. Maybe I sound silly.

So, yeah, I had the procedure done. I thought they would just look at it, but they said they could either sort it out there and then with a local anaesthetic or they could arrange for me to return later and they would do a general in the day surgery. I was so nervous and hated being on my own, but I just kept thinking of all the things B had been through and how brave she was and that helped. I also thought of my dad's really positive attitude when he had his leg amputated last year and his other surgery. It all made this abscess business quite minor, which it certainly is in comparison to what B and my Dad have been through.

I told them to just go ahead with the local and get it done right there and then. The shit hurt like hell as they pricked and pulled and then drained it, but at least I don't have to make the trek back there again and the worst part is all done. They bandaged me up and said the local GP can tend to the healing and redressing over the next few days and weeks. I am so thankful and hope all goes well with the healing.

There will no doubt be a scar in my cleavage area and a very noticeable one, at that; but you know what? I don't care too much. Of course I don't want the scar, but like I've been saying, other people, like B, have had mastectomies and other surgeries that have left scars and disfigurements. When I think of all B and so many others have been through, a scar is so unimportant. I'm glad for this perspective I have on it all.

The other thing is that I feel I must work on my health - my weight, in particular. I was telling my sister how hard I am finding it. My eating is very erratic and out of control sometimes. Part of it is hormonal and a lot of it is psychological. Although they told me my cholesterol and diabetes tests came back as normal, I wanted to know the exact numbers. Apparently the normal range over here for cholesterol is between 3.6 and 7.8 and my result was 6.1. I am still trying to find out what this all means since they are just numbers to me at the moment, but it is obvious that, although they said mine is within the normal range, it is critical that I work on lowering my numbers. If I could get it between 4 and 5, then that would be great, I think. Somehow, the doctor didn't make any big deal about it, which surprised me. This is why I feel I must be proactive with my health and not leave it to the doctor to guide me, really, because they won't always do this.

On the diabetes front, I was told the normal "number" would be around 5 or so and mine was 5.3. Again, these are only numbers with no genuine meaning to me, but it sounds like I am at the upper limit with this, too. Clearly, I am teetering near the danger zone with these numbers, so I want to address it.

I have decided to get on with proper exercise and healthy eating again. I MUST do it, no matter how difficult it is. I need to consider all this stuff as a warning sign. It's like being given another chance to get on the right track. I can either listen to a whisper...or I can listen to a scream. It's up to me...and after being at the hospital yesterday, I don't want to go back again, if it is within my power to prevent it. So, expect to hear more about me getting healthy. Maybe I will inspire others. Who knows? Right now, I really just need to inspire myself...

Just Wondering

I wrote to someone the other night.

She was someone I met through my charity work years ago and I had a massive crush on her. While I volunteered on the board for the organisation in my country, she worked for it and is the number two person, operating out of the UK office.

We met at one of the international conferences after both hearing of each other and being on a conference call with a bunch of other people once. I don't know what it is about her, but I was immediately attracted to her. She is nothing like the women who I am normally drawn to, but I couldn't get her off my mind during the whole conference. Looking at her I had the feeling she was gay. She had a slightly butch thing going on and just seemed she leaned that way. I had no way of knowing for certain. She was very charismatic, incredibly competent in her field, possessed great strength of character, and was very playful and unpretentious.

Anyway, a year or so later I was on vacation in London and we met up for dinner. There was a fantastic connection with her. The conversation flowed and there was a noticeable ease with being in her company. Unfortunately, we ended the night without me mustering the courage to tell her how attracted I was to her, so I phone her the next day and left what felt like a silly school girl message just telling her that I wanted to see her again and that I felt a bit out of my element and unsure of what was going on, but that I needed to talk with her about it. Surprisingly, she rang me back later that evening and asked when and where would should meet. Now, keep in mind this is someone who is very busy and in demand. In fact, if you googled her, you'd end up with pages of entries. So, I was impressed with how she was making time to meet and chat.

We went for dinner and I told her I was attracted to her and how thrown I was by it all. She handled it all really well and I got the impression this sort of thing was not new to her. Further, and to my dismay, it turned out that she was in a 20-year relationship at that point and was not willing to jeopardise it. While she wasn't entirely forthcoming, I got the impression she was in some sort of "communal" relationship - perhaps with a man and a woman. Whatever the case, they were not with her in the UK; rather, they were back in....well, where she is from. I guess it was one of those things where this job opportunity came up and the relocation and distance from loved ones was the sacrifice made. Sounds like they were very supportive of it, so that is impressive. The bottom line was there was no chance of me having anything with her, so that was a major disappointment considering how much I wanted her to go back to my hotel with me. She did suggest we keep in touch, but by this time I was in sulking mode and felt, "what's the point?"....

We interacted a little after that, from afar, on affairs to do with the organisation and she even asked me to handle a really challenging and interesting assignment. However, my access to her was very limited given our respective loacations; her demanding job; and, let's be real, her lack of interest in me in the way I was interested in her. I last saw her about 4 years ago at a conference. Seeing her again, I felt the same, intense attraction, but stayed away and tried not to think about it. Interestingly, I was just getting things off the ground with Karen and was spending loads of time on the phone with her, while I was at the conference. We won't go into how that drama unfolded and eventually crashed and burned!

So, yeah....after all this time - about 4 years - I was sitting here the other night and wondering how this old crush was doing. I wrote her and she wrote me back - both equally brief emails. She asked me to let her know if I was ever in London. Uh-huh.....I wrote her back last night and told her I've been here in the UK for the past year and half....

I wonder if she will write and suggest I come a-callin'.......lol!

*sigh*

I need a woman, don't I?

Nice Day

Yeah, I had a nice day today.

My Thursday classes don't begin until next week, so I had the day off. One of my lecturers from last term (who has now become a friend) invited me to her house and I had a lovely time. I was there for a few hours and had lunch and enjoyed chatting and catching up. Also, she has the most gorgeous three year old son. He is absolutely adorable and it was a real treat spending time with him. He's incredibly sociable and clever. It's astounding. Being around him really lifts my spirits and almost makes me want to have a baby. (Hold on! I did say "almost", thank-you very much! lol!)

So, yeah, that was nice.

I've not heard anything back concerning my blood tests, although I did note an anonymous call ringing through on my phone, but at the time I was screening my calls, so I'm not sure if it was the doctor's office or not. I am trying not to worry, since there's no point. I think my anxiety was made worse over the last few days due to PMS, which I just realised because I got my period. Damn! I am one weepy and miserable sod around this time. Everything gets and seems out of control then.

I've not been feeling my best, but I think this is really due to the antibiotics and my period, so I am keeping perspective on it all. Yesterday, I did notice another tiny bump at the base of my neck. It does concern me, but I do tend to get these sorts of bumps during my period, so, again, trying to keep a bit of perspective. It's just that this is not an area where I normally get them. Surely it will go away in the next week or so. Fingers crossed, eh?

Yesterday, I spoke with my sister on the phone which was good. It turned out she is at home because her blood pressure has been raised which is not like her. She was preparing for some cosmetic surgery and during the pre-op they noticed her pressure was soaring, so it's being tended to before she can have her surgery. Hopefully, she will be fine. At least she can be at home and relax, provided she does just that! I told her about the blood tests and my bump and it helped to talk to her about it.

The new term started this week and I am loving my courses. It will be loads of work, but I will get through it. I want to try to avoid procrastination as much as possible. Again, fingers crossed!

Worried

I'm worried about this bump I have. It hasn't gone down and I will be done with the antibiotics on Thursday, so I am sure it will have to be surgically removed.

It feels a bit hard and very unsual now...like there is a large coin (the size of a 50p or twice the size of a quarter) that is sitting below my skin on my chest.

Maybe I am letting my imagination get the best of me, but I feel scared and wonder if it is cancerous. I know that since B died I've become frightened of the littliest freckle, sneeze, or bump, but I really have been worried about it.

This morning I went for the blood tests to have my cholesterol checked and to make sure I don't have diabetes. When I left the surgery and was walking to the taxi stand, I saw the woman who used to be B's doctor. I have thought of her off and on and even wanted to write to her to thank her for how great she was to B. She was actually the one who B said one night to me that if she (the doctor) was gay, she would fancy her. The doctor did strike me as having a leaning in that direction and I had spoken to B about it a few times and once made a comment to B that she wouldn't be my type, though. This was the point where B had actually said she would fancy her. That was really the thing that pushed me to tell B I had feelings for her. Anyway, just as I saw the doctor and thought she was headed in my direction, she turned and entered a building which I later identified as the premises for her office.....Maybe I will bump into her again....

Right now, I just wish I had someone I felt close enough to who I could share my feelings with. I don't like feeling worried like this. I also realise it is pointless until I have the thing sorted, but that doesn't lessen the worry. I don't know. Maybe I am a bit hormonal, as well. I've been feeling like crying every two seconds and have resisted the urge since I don't want to cry alone. No one would have a clue, though, as I've been out all day and chatted with people and shit and been as bubbly as ever. There was no sense in sharing or showing how I really feel because I don't feel close enough to do that with any of the people who I've been around today.

The weirdest thing is that if there is anyone I would want with me right now, it would be B. She was so strong and knew how to make things better no matter what state she was in...I've seen her be there for people even after having chemo all day and feeling sick. She just knew how to make people feel good a lot of the time. I miss that so much. I miss her....and I wish I was as strong as she was...for little and big things.

(Actually, there is someone else I really would like to be with me now...my mom....)

Muppet Magnet

I've realised something about myself that suggests why my relationships might be the way they are with people sometimes.

I'm a muppet magnet.

I seem to attract dysfunctional people a great deal of the time. I think I actually choose people who are broken and needy on some level. I don't like to characterise people in this way, but it's an honest description. You see, what I am figuring out is that I have a need to be needed. As a result, I think I choose and attract people who either consciously or subconsciously need or want me to nurture and be there for them in some way. It's as though I subconsciously look for a project - someone to fix.

There is no doubt that I am an excellent friend, lover, or companion (call it what you will), who is incredibly loyal and will be there for people who are special to me, even if I am busy. I am the type who would put everything on hold just to help the people in my life - often to my own detriment. However, I think this might be part of the reason that certain types of people gravitate towards me. I don't know.

I say that I "choose" such people, but I don't seem to choose people to be in my life, really. I seem to let them choose me, in a way. I have been getting a little better with this and I am trying to be more proactive with selecting friends or whatever.

Oh, I don't know.....never mind me....I'm just here trying to sort this one out in my head. Perhaps once I sort it out I will come back and post on it again......

April Showers?

Try April "snow"!

I was so shocked (in spite of prior news reports, which I clearly ignored) that this was the sight when I opened the drapes this morning!

I'm sure it will be all gone by this afternoon, though!

Taking Charge

I went to the doctor yesterday.

I've got this bump that's swelled up and sitting right between my boobs, of all places. A number of years ago I noticed a little bump appear in this spot that was slightly smaller than a kernel of corn. It never hurt or anything and my doctor said she could arrange for it to be removed, but I was concerned about it scarring since it's my cleavage spot. So, I left it alone since she suggested it's pretty harmless; only noticeable to me; and I could always have it done if I ever changed my mind.

Anyway, about a week ago it all went wonky and strangely flared up. Now it stings and is really irritating me. The doctor here gave me a treatment of antibiotics and, hopefully, they will work and I can avoid having it surgically removed - not just because of scarring, but more so because I get a little scared of anything like that.

Something else I did was I asked the doctor to arrange for me to be tested for a few other things like diabetes and to get get my cholesterol level checked. It's been over two years since I've been tested for diabetes which makes it a bit overdue for a follow-up check on it. Also, I, embarrassingly, have no clue about my cholesterol numbers. I can't even remember having it checked - ever - and given the way I eat, it is critical that I know at this stage.

I'm very nervous about all of this. Even under the best of circumstances I am afraid of anything to do with going to the doctor, or test results, or whatever. Since B died, the whole prospect of even going on an appointment or to a hospital strikes terror into my heart. It's probably made a little more challenging by the fact that I'm away from "home" and on my own.

Whatever the case, I am proud of myself for being somewhat proactive about my health on this occasion and will do my best to be optimistic about it since there is no use in worrying so much. Right?....

Gorgeous!

I'm not into the whole celebrity thing, but everytime I see or hear Vanessa Williams, I stand at attention, salivating, like one of Pavlov's mutts! She is pretty much the kind of woman that does it for me.......44, clever and an absolutely gorgeous and stunning woman (loving the cleavage and legs, by the way!...lol!!)....find me someone like this and I shall be eternally happy....lol.....

Talk about a "yummy mummy"!!!....Oy vey..........

Pain in the ASS....

Something I've never been able to relate to is constipation. I am one of those fortunate, free-flowing, every morning, first-thing-in-the-morning, and sometimes in the evening kinda folk. You get my drift? I genuinely do feel sorry for people who just can't "break free" and are clogged up for days on end, though. What a friggin' nightmare!

I suppose there is a definite Freudian link to this ease with which I can perform intestinal yoga. (Well, there is, actually. Apparently, he would say I'm "stuck" or fixated at the "Anal stage" of my psychosexual development....Nice...) Goodness knows, I love being able to express my full range of emotions and when I don't I find myself stressed and my life in a bit of turmoil. Case in point would be the stress that comes with being in the closet and being so private about other things in my life because I know people just won't get it. That's why when I'm with people I feel comfortable opening up with, I am extremely happy and "free". I admire people who just don't care what others think of them and just let it all hang out, warts and all. That's major freedom.

Anyway, I've had a recurring problem over the past few months. No, I'm not constipated, thankfully! (I couldn't bear it!)....I've got haemorrhoids....or piles, as the Brits call them. I'm assuming it should be plural, as it sure as hell feels painful enough to express it in the plural, rather than the singular! It's so fucking embarassing and annoying, all at once. I want to go the doctor for it, but I am too red-faced to have my ass on view and poked at, so I'm suffering in silence. I certainly owe it to my shit diet, shich has become even more erratic over the past several months owing to my poor relationship with food when I am stressed. Now, I am seriously paying the price! I've never experienced this before, although I've had friends mention their bouts with it, particularly during pregnancy. Well, I certainly ain't pregnant, but I know it is most likely my crazy diet.I do think I can treat it myself, though. I just have to pay attention and not give into my food cravings. I'm trying to drink more water, which is a major necessity over here anyway, because of the super dry air I can sense dehydration coming on more easily. Plus, I am "thinking" of going off meat for a bit. Whatever I do, I definitely need a good cleaning out because I eat so crazy. Clearly, as I get older, my poor body is signalling that it just can't take it anymore.....

So, yeah, my ass hurts....and going through this experience has me thinking what it must be like for gay men taking it in the ass all the time. Not that they get piles. I'm assuming that is not an issue for them...but you know my abiding affection for gay porn - male gay porn. Sometimes I watch it and as my ass percolates, I am just imagining how painful that shit must be....it's thrilling to watch, though, regardless! Seeing those big, muscular, handsome men (usually "bears", my favs!) grimace and moan as they take a grinding in the ass, definitely does something for me. Go figure!...I have to admit, it's not something that I'm usually eager to treat a guy to, unless he's extra special and I want to give him an extra thrill; otherwise, I'm strictly an "exit only" girl.

Anyway, Mo'Nique sums it up quite nicely....while I'm off to "take care of business"...

What's Up With That?

Most of the blogs I've come across tonight by bisexuals either have a post saying the authour has stopped blogging for one reason or another; or they're password protected; or they have not been updated in ages!

Odd....very odd....

Bounce! Bounce!

If there is one thing I like about myself, it's my ability to bounce back...that itty bitty of fight I have in me to pull myself up from my bootstraps and find a way forward. I continue to fall, but it's my continuing to get up that impresses me, even if I stagger a lot of the time.

I've never been officially diagnosed with depression, but I realise I show a lot of the signs a lot of the time. People in my everyday life don't have a clue and I often hide when I'm feeling low. For me, I tend to think it is about choices. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad. Perhaps, I should know better considering I am studying psychology and knowing all about serotonin, SSRI's, chemical imbalance, and blah, blah, blah. Admittedly, I often have a set of rules for myself and an entirely different set for others. Sometimes I think I am more sympathetic towards others than to myself. I seem to think it is very weak of me to give into this whole characterisation of depression that the western world, in particular, is obssessed with. Yet I don't think it is even remotely weak of others to accept a diagnosis of depression and seek every bit of professional help in dealing with it. (See what I mean?)

Anyway, moving on...

This morning I went for a walk. Only 30 minutes, but it was good. I trotted up and down this hilly pathway 5 times, which doesn't sound like much, but was a good start for me. I felt better after doing it and that is what matters. I want to do it again tomorrow and then push myself to get back to the gym which I've not attended in about 2 months or thereabouts, I think.

What I've come to realise is that when I am feeling low, something that gets me on track is exercise. I just need to push myself to get on with it. Exercise seriously is a self-esteem boost for me and I do find I get chirpier and am left with sense of accomplishment. Plus, my body an mind feels stronger, so it's great.

I've also been blog-hopping today. I've not spent time surfing the net, reading blogs this much in ages. It was great. There are so many interesting blogs out there and I came across some really good ones today. I even went foraging back, looking at old blogs I used to read and comment on when I first started blogging. That was different, too. Lives have changed in various ways and to various degrees: engagements, divorces, births, deaths, new jobs, new looks, new locations, coming to terms with sexuality...the list is endless, it seems....all good, bad, and ugly....the circle of life, eh?

Anyway...I've got that bouncy feeling. I'm going with it. It feels good. ;)

Vino...and me....

I figured since I've pretty much finished the bottle...have a slight headache, as a result...I might as well do a quiz, eh?...Here's what they say:

You Are Chardonnay

Fresh, spirited, and classic - you have many facets to your personality. You can be sweet and light. Or deep and complex. You have a little bit of something to offer everyone... no wonder you're so popular. Approachable and never smug, you are easy to get to know (and love!). Deep down you are: Dependable and modest Your partying style: Understated and polite Your company is enjoyed best with: Cold or wild meat

What Kind of Wine Are You?

Because She's Damn Funny!

I love Wanda Sykes....this was hilarious!

Bored Shitless....

Yep...

I've been looking forward to my break and now that it's here, I'm bored shitless. I should have flown back to Invisible Island. At least I wouldn't be alone. Here, all I've been doing is thinking of B and feeling miserable. Even a good dose of porn and endless sex for one hasn't lifted my spirits today. I've gorged myself on whatever I could find that is edible (and feel thoroughly sick from it), yet unsurprisingly that hasn't even comforted me. A while ago, I fell asleep and then suddenly awoke in a fright, letting out a bloodcurdling cry because I had this wretched thought suddenly whacked into my head that when I die that will be it. The end. I shall cease to exist. Well, that is how it probably will be, but it's a massive head fuck to be so in tune with such a disturbing thought...a reality I have no control over. It's not the first time I've been plagued by such thoughts about my mortality and in such a specific way. Every once in a while this happens to me and I feel I need to be in a padded room with a straight-jacket. It's fucking terrifying and I don't like it.

I feel very depressed. Maybe I was born depressed.

I feel very alone. Well, let's face it. I am.

I'm clearly going through one of my phases where I seem to be losing my footing. You know what's really scary? When I'm out in public, I look very sane and happy. It's the biggest scam, I swear. People want to chat with me and find me very entertaining and interesting...well adjusted. Imagine that...

I miss B terribly. I feel I want to cry...but I can't. Maybe I am just afraid to cry...because if I do, I might not stop...and there is no one here to comfort me.

Anyway, I'm doing the next best thing: I'm drinking a bottle of Merlot. Yes, the whole bottle. I should have bought 3 bottles instead of the one. Maybe I will go and get more tomorrow. Alcohol is great. I should drink more often. It numbs the pain. It numbs you, period. I'm laughing just now. The merlot is damn cheap as hell. I mean you know a bottle of wine is cheap when it has a twist off cap. When I was in the grocery store, the liquor aisles where ridiculously crowded for some reason (is it another holiday?!) and I just couldn't be bothered to nudge past the other shoppers, so i grabbed this bottle from off the front of the aisle - the discount brew! lol...Whatever! It's doing the trick....

Oh...looky here! Catherine Tate is on! Finally, something decent on the telly!

?

I don't know why my posting page on blogger looks fucked, but I can't be bothered to poke around with it. I'm just not in the mood.

I'm bored shitless at the moment. It's term break. Something I've been looking forward to for ages, but now I haven't a clue what to do with myself. In fact, I feel very lonely and depressed. All I'm doing is thinking of B and feeling miserable. I've also been eating like 10 horses and have been stuffing myself until I feel dreadfully ill, which only serves to make me feel even more depressed.

I'd miss home if it wasn't for the fact that I have no life there...other than the opportunity to make money.

Out of my boredom and desire to make some new friends and good company, I've gone to the online personals again. Fuck me! What was the point?! I went to a lesbian site and decided to take the plunge and put my pic up. Major step for me. I was ticked the category "bisexual" and I am wondering just what the point is in being honest anymore. Gay women treat you like a complete fucking leper if you say you are bisexual. I swear, I can't catch a break! It can't be that my pic is unattractive. Then again, maybe I am off base and people really don't like what I look like. It's just a headshot and I thought it was a good one. I've had compliments on it before, so it can't be that they don't like my pic. I really don't know what the fuck to think, to be honest. So, far I've had one guy reply - who isn't even remotely attractive, in word or photo! One woman I wrote to replied back, and I have since written back, but nothing since. Then another who I wrote send me a "smile", but no email. (WTF?!) I sent an email to a number of women I thought sounded interesting while browsing and none of them have replied (there must have been 12 of them!)...Other than that the most unattractive 5 women on the site (I'm sure!) who have nothing written in their profiles have only sent me "smiles" rather than emails, even!!! (W-T-F??!!!!!!!)

I give up! I really do! I just can't be bothered anymore! To hell with it! I've taken my pic down and I just give up!

Lest you think I must have written something absolutely horrid in my profile to warrant this lack of response, here is what it said:

*************************
Hello! I have relocated to lovely [somewhere] in the UK and I am interested in meeting new friends and perhaps someone nice for companionship and fun. It would be great to meet people with shared values (the basic stuff - being honest, trustworthy, kind, healthy attitude towards life, etc...) yet be sufficiently different to keep things stimulating. It doesn't matter where you are located. I am just interested in meeting people I connect well with; and if there is chemistry and a good mutual connection I am open to exploring something more serious. Originally, I am from a very beautiful island (you have to write me to find out which one! lol) and I'm very well travelled. I used to work in the finance industry, but left my comfy career and life in the sun for a change of pace and to retrain as a psychologist. I enjoy life, but am not really into the clubbing scene (been there, done that)...I much prefer and enjoy going out for that one-on-one time - going to dinner, for drinks, the theatre, etc,. I don't quite like the label bisexual and I realise that some gay women have an issue with it. There is no need and you will understand and be very at ease as you get to know me. So, if you would like to learn and share more, then drop me a note and we can chat. (Oh! I guess should also mention that I am most attracted to very tactile, feminine women.) Looking forward to hearing from you, whether as friends or something more. Hugs and good luck in your search!

***************************

Surely, there are better and worse profile descriptions and I think this was pretty measured. I don't have rotten or missing teeth in my photo...In fact, I look rather attractive. I don't expect throngs of women to rush to their keyboards, but I certainly didn't expect this. It's bad enough that when I trawl through the ads, most of the women I don't find attractive, but at least I try to keep an open mind because there is more to a lot of people than their pics - especially when you read their profiles. Anyway, it's been a disappointing experience. I guess I thought if I put the effort in and didn't go at it half-heartedly like I've done in the past, that it would pay off. Perhaps it doesn't help that I'm not feeling particularly cheery or patient, either!

Maybe I'm not meant to meet anyone this way, but how else will I meet someone? I don't do the party or clubbing scene and I'm living in a very small town. I do meet lots of people through the university and it's clear people do seem to like chatting with me and stuff, but that's different to making real friends or friends I actually want to be around.

Oh, just fuck it!....I'm in a rotten mood! No sense in whinging on any further...I need to cool off and whatever...There isn't even anything good to watch on the telly, for fuck's sake!

A Fav Island Jam...

Woooooooohooooo......Love it! Makes me miss island life.....Think I WILL go home this summer!

Things That Go Bump in the Night!

I forgot to mention the earthquake thingy!

Yeah, I fell asleep just after midnight two nights ago and can just faintly recall the tailend of a dream I was having when I felt like someone was shaking me awake. (It was about 1am.)I was slightly disoriented and then when I came to, I just felt my bed swaying and heard rumbling. I put my hand on the wall and felt the it vibrating and moving as well.

The whole thing only lasted a few seconds, but it was so weird. I wasn't scared, but just a bit confused. Then I thought I was having some sort of hallucination on account of all that's happened with B. Thankfully, though, I tend to have a habit of sleeping with the telly on and the BBC news was on at the time. Within the next five minutes or so the news presenter said they had just received reports of tremors felt in parts of the country. Whew! Glad to know I wasn't nuts. So, yeah, according to the news reports, it was an earthquake registering 5.2 on the richter scale. No one was hurt, which is great news, although there were various bits of minor damage throughout the country.

So, my first earthquake, eh? Cool....but one is enough, ok?

(P.S. I've churned out only the first paragraph of the bloody essay...It's a start...I sent an email this morning to my lecturer apologising for the delay and letting him know he would have it "shortly"....*sigh*)

Letter to B.......

Dear B,

I'm missing you so much. As soon as I think I've gotten to a better place in dealing with your passing, then I seem to have been snatched back to feeling that terrible feeling of missing you and thinking of you constantly. I've even regressed and find myself begging for you to come back. I just don't feel normal. I feel crazy and like I need help in dealing with this. I know if you were here you would never want me to feel hurt or pain and you'd want to take it away.

I'm so wrapped in my feelings for you. That's just how I explained it, didn't I? I never said I had fallen in love with you, but that "I have feelings for you". I told you that the more time I spent with you that the more I wanted to be with you and that whenever I was not around you, I missed you so much. It scared me even though it felt good. Whenever I was with you I felt like everything in life was ok. I fell in love with you...and I fought it...

Instead of just accepting what I felt, I went around feeling so conflicted and and angry. I didn't want to love someone who couldn't love me back in the same way or someone who even if they did, couldn't be with me because of other things. I didn't want to love someone who was going to leave me....someone who was going to die. I was scared shitless for months and tried to detach from you, but never seemed to be able to. You wanted me to talk more about what I was feeling and why I changed and seemed so angry. It was because I fell in love with you and it was an impossible situation.

I wrote some of the things that were on my mind one evening when I walked into the library and you said you were looking to see if I had sent you an email telling you what was on my mind. I was surprised because I thought we had already covered everything, but since you seemed to still have questions, I sat there and wrote to you. at some point in the letter I explained again how I felt it would be easier for me to cope if I walked out of your life at that point because I was so afraid of, not only my feelings for you, but I was terrified of having to deal with losing you to the cancer. I remember you sitting there reading the letter and it must have been at that point in the letter that you looked up at me and smiled your beautiful smile and said, "Please don't walk out of my life." It was so sweet and tender. I wanted so much to kiss you. I did tell you I wouldn't do that, though.

A few days before, when I came to see you at the library, I had not seen you in almost 2 weeks. It was during my exams and 2 weeks after telling you how I really felt about you. When I told you back then, I had said I felt I needed to break away and you asked, "Why not just take a day or two to just think about things or just have a short break for a few days, instead of breaking off completely?" I told you I felt this was the best thing for me. Then you said you would call me the next day and I asked you why you were doing that when I just spent over an hour explaining to you what I needed to do and why and that I didn't think you should call. You told me you wanted to know how I was and that if I didn't want to answer that would be up to me, but that you were still going to call. How could I not love you when you say and do these things. It seemed everything you said or did intensified my feelings for you. The next day I never heard from you, but the day after I did. You sent me a text saying you were sorry for not calling and that you were in the hospital.

So many times I wanted to hug you, but I was afraid that I might not want to let go. I also never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. It's the reason I don't hug lots of people - women - and it's a difficult thing for a person like me who does like to hug and touch, to not do it. That night when I saw you for the first time in 2 weeks, you were in so much pain sitting there in the library. You were in tears and kept saying you were glad I came to see you and that I was there. You said the cancer the pain was getting worse. It was rare for you to speak of your pain, but I could see it was severe, yet you were still working and most people, even now when I speak of you, had no idea you were in such pain. Everyone speaks of how strong and healthy you seemed. Later when we were in the parking lot and you were getting ready to go home, you were leaning against the handrail trying to catch your breath and smiling and saying, "I'll be ok." As you walked to the car and I was turning to go around the corner to go home, I said, "Hey! Should I give you a hug?" Then I laughed and said, "Nahh..." Right then, you ran across the parking lot to me and hugged me so tight. I wanted to love you so much right there and then...just to take care of you and take all of your pain away....You surpried me so much and made me feel so good. This is how you were: No matter how weak you felt...no matter how much pain you had...if there was a chance to do something for someone or to connect with someone who meant something to you, then it was like your pain disappeared and you had this sudden, enormous energy in order to express what you felt for those you cared about.

I don't know what I am trying to say. My head is all messed up. I don't feel normal. I feel pretty insane, actually. Lately, I've felt I just want to forget you because you're not coming back and I can't function thinking about you like this 24-7. I lay in bed thinking of you and wishing I had a chance to kiss you...Yes, I even think of making love to you. None of this probably would have ever materialised if you were still here, but I just keep thinking these things. Hun, I feel like I just need to put you away...to stop thinking of you...to stop thinking of conversations we had...the secrets you shared with me...the memories of your laughter and tears.....It's all just too much...It's too fucking painful. You are the most beautiful person I've ever met and I don't understand how I could feel this way about you after only knowing you for such a short time. In lots of ways you changed my life. You made me smile again. You showed me how to trust again...and you did all these things without even trying or realising it. It all came so naturally to you. It was just you. The other day I was in the car with M, your brother, and he said how you were always the person who was there to support and give advice and how strong you were. I listen to other people and realise that you had a huge impact on their lives, too. You're amazing. Even when I told you that night when I shared my feelings with you that you were such a special person, you immediately said, "There is nothing special about me; I'm just an ordinary person." You're so bloody stubborn. I love you.

Lately, I find myself wishing someone would just come into my life and make me forget you because I can't go on like this. It's far too distracting and I can't live my life properly and get things done. Goodness knows I have a hard enough time doing my shit under the best of circumstances, but this is too much. It's not the right way to deal with things, but I feel I do need to have someone come in and just take the hurt away for me. The reality is I know there won't be anyone who could take your place. You are one of a kind. I remember one of the security guys was walking out of the door saying he is hurrying home to his wife and you smiled and said to me that you wished someone loved you like that. I so wanted to tell you that I love you like that.

Since I came back from Invisible Island, there have been so many things I've wanted to talk about with you. I had so much to tell you about my trip home and about things that have happened since coming back to the UK. Someone said to me that they wondered how our our friendship would have been if we had more time. They were reflecting on how close we had been in just the time we had and wondered if it was possible to be even closer with more time. Something like that......I wonder, too...not just about our friendship...I wonder if you would have developed feelings for me, too. When I told you how I felt about you, you said you couldn't be what I wanted you to be. I told you I did not want you to be anything than you already were and that I wasn't asking you for anything....that this was all about my feelings and being honest with you (and myself) about them. Still, you just saying that I needed to be careful and that you need to be even more careful and I'm still not sure what you meant by that. When I told you I was going home for a few weeks, your eyes watered on more than one occasion. When we disagreed on anything, I'd see your face and you'd say, "I never want to offend you." And if you ever apologised for anything, my heart would melt. You tugged at my heart strings without knowing it or meaning to....The text messages and things you would say made me love you even more. And now when I meet people you've spoken of me to and hear what they say and see the looks on their faces, then it is clear I did mean something to you...in some ways even more than I thought. So, yeah, it does make me wonder if time was on our side, if you would have developed feelings for me. I don't know........

For now I am writing this in the hope that it will allow me to get my feelings out since I have no where to put them just now and no one I can talk to about them. I am hoping it will help me to concentrate on my work because I still haven't completed one of my assignments and I need to get that and other things done and to bring more order to my life. I can't keep thinking about what might have been (and what probably would never have been)....and what just isn't going to happen now, anyway.....I love you so much....I miss you....I wish you were here.....but you're not and I have to push forward, hun.....

Wishing us both peace.....

Love u lots,

Me

Ugghh!!! :(

I can't for the life of me concentrate!!!!

It is really getting on my nerves!!!!

I have a 3000-word essay that was due at 5pm and I've written about one sentence. I've spent all day doing everything possible to avoid doing what I am supposed to and even now, four and a half hours after the deadline, I can't seem to focus and write anything. It's like I have complete writer's block! (Well, apparently not, since I can write just fine on here!)

The truth?.............

I can't get B off my mind. I miss her so much. I keep thinking of my feelings for her and how much I wish there was someone here I could talk to about it. I've noticed that since I went to that memorial thing and spent the evening with her family and friends last Friday, I've been consumed with thoughts of her. I'm so tired of wishing she was here and wishing I had more time with her so I could have seen "if"....Maybe that is crazy of me.

Today I wished I could just forget her and then I wouldn't feel this way. Then, I end up feeling guilty for wishing such a thing. I just keep thinking of conversations we had and then I find myself thinking of conversations we could have had. It's completely insane!

It's not a sad feeling I seem to be experiencing. I mean, I do feel sad, but it is really more of a longing feeling. I feel this tremendous void. B would surely think I was insane for all of this if she was here.

I can tell I must be seriously stressed. My libido has been off the charts. It's way worse than normal. I know I tend to use sex as a form of relieving stress - not consciously, but it just seems to happen. Mostly when I'm experiencing extreme stress. Generally, I feel a bit run down. I also have been having pain in my left leg, at the back of my knee. It really hurts if I try to bend my leg too far and I suspect this might have come about from sitting for long periods. Last term, I could be found sitting for hours at a time studying or working on a paper or whatever, so this is where it probably started. I do tend to find relief when I am walking and stuff, but it does concern me, but going to the doctor concerns me even more. I'm wondering if it is DVT, a blood clot, or varicose veins or something. I have no idea....and I know it sounds ridiclous for me to be concerned about it and not going to get it checked out. It's just that ever since B died I feel afraid of anything to do with the doctor or anythng health-related. Plus, I know I will get some lecture about my weight....and I am just scared of getting any bad news....Blah, blah, blah....

I know I'm all fucked in the head. I was doing pretty well up until the weekend, but since then I've been so distracted and unproductive. I do need to pull my finger out and get this essay done, though. My lecturer is a nice guy and sort of easy going, so I think I will be ok and he won't penalise me, but I must get it in by tomorrow, at least. I've not spoken with him, but I think it will be ok.

Anyway, just needed to vent anonymously to the blogsphere....