It seems I only update this blog when I get emails from people asking for an update or something, I'll try to do better....but no promises....
All is well. I am still on Invisible Island and not working just yet, although I feel like I have a full time job due to taking care of my mother. All the usual things persist that accompany doing that. It remains stressful, but you just get on with it. The most recent episode included making dinner and trying to be totally ahead of the game and organised, only to find my mother had removed the dish I prepared from the fridge and was diligently stirring and tossing after having poured orange juice in it! I was NOT a happy camper! Anyway, it is par for the course and I weep for those carers and Alzheimer's sufferers in worse situations than my own and my mother's.
I so need to shift gears and get a job. Right now I am open to taking on anything as I do need an income. My funds will completely run out by June. Admittedly, I have not tried THAT hard to get work, because I have been very selective, but this luxury has expired and I will have to take what I can get. I can still keep looking for the job I want later, so am sure all will work out.
As for me and C, things are going great. She is so lovely. I have never met someone who loves me so completely and unconditionally. It is a beautiful feeling and in many ways she has changed my life. We speak everyday and just yesterday as we were talking it occurred to me how much I have let other things from my past go. I was sharing with her how now, when I think of Karen and other people and circumstances, I don't feel anger. Before I used to wish that Karen would be hurt as much as she hurt me and blah, blah, blah. Now it is a non-issue and I actually wish her a good life. I don't want to be in touch and I don't think of her like before. It has all faded. And the same holds true for other people and situations. I have a new and different life now. I still have to keep working on myself, but I am so proud of myself for where I am at this point.
C also got her medical test results back and she is perfectly fine. I am so relieved and thoroughly happy for her. I think we were both trying to be so calm and steady about it, but were worried sick, so to speak. She is such a precious gem. (I must sound ridiculous. I have that lovesick thing going on, I know! lol!...but she is wonderful.) And I love the maturity and honesty of our relationship. We are planning to be together on a full time basis. Once I get a job and stash a bit away over the coming months then we will look at getting a place. I will very likely move to the UK since that is much easier. (I have UK/EU citizenship.) I have just had to get my head around the idea of paying taxes and stuff. Here on II salaries are higher as well. I tend to worry a lot about material comforts, whereas C is not as concerned about such things. I just don't ever want to be in a situation where I can't do things because of money. Right now it is not as big a deal since I am in transition, but I would not want this for my life on a regular basis. I've come a long way, so I am sure my thinking will continue to progress on the matter, such that I have a more balanced attitude towards things.
Well, all for now....Yes, yes....I promise to blog more....(Okay! I know you've heard that before....but I mean it! Honest!...lol!)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
It's Been THAT Long????
I know I've not blogged in ages, but when I just saw the date of my last post, I certainly didn't think it was THAT long ago! Geesh! Where does the time go?
In a nutshell, all is good with me. I've just gotten back a few days ago from 2 weeks in London with Czech. It was so lovely and I feel even closer to her from the trip. I really have no business travelling and stuff since I am still not working, but there was a special on airline tickets that I just could not pass up. When I first arrived, it was a bit awkward and I was pretty distant and something had me feeling we would break up. Thankfully, I got past it and I know it was all due to Czech's patience and understanding. It bothered her, but she just quietly gave me space and in a day or two I came around.
I think it's just this crazy double life I am living. When I am here on Invisible Island where it is so conservative and homophobic, it is so easy to be so tense and uptight. Even though I don't feel that my lifestyle or orientation or whatever is remotely wrong, living in a place like this seems to infect my brain without me realising it, at times. So, when I got to London, it felt like there was this huge disconnect between me and Czech - and not to do with anything she did or felt. Whatever the case, I am glad it happened because it is something I am more aware of now and Czech and I were able to discuss it.
What I do know is that I love her very much. She is so incredibly good to me and is such a beautiful and lovely person. I cannot say it enough. Right now we are missing each other terribly, but are trying to deal with the distance.
There is something I am bit worried about. Czech is going home next week to have a check up. She had told me her doctor had spotted something during her pelvic exam a few months ago and she has to do this follow up visit to make sure things are ok. Hopefully, everything will be fine. She is so strong and positive and I do the same so she does not have any stress, but the truth is I am so terrified. I think I am feeling so close to her and missing her that I worry about losing her in this way - especially in light of B's death. I've actually been thinking of B a lot because in January it was the one year anniversary of her death and then a week ago it was her birthday. Something, huh?
Anyway, I have lots to be thankful for and all is going well. I am job-hunting at the moment, too, so am looking forward to the positive changes that a new job shall bring.
All for now...This was just a little update for ya! :)
In a nutshell, all is good with me. I've just gotten back a few days ago from 2 weeks in London with Czech. It was so lovely and I feel even closer to her from the trip. I really have no business travelling and stuff since I am still not working, but there was a special on airline tickets that I just could not pass up. When I first arrived, it was a bit awkward and I was pretty distant and something had me feeling we would break up. Thankfully, I got past it and I know it was all due to Czech's patience and understanding. It bothered her, but she just quietly gave me space and in a day or two I came around.
I think it's just this crazy double life I am living. When I am here on Invisible Island where it is so conservative and homophobic, it is so easy to be so tense and uptight. Even though I don't feel that my lifestyle or orientation or whatever is remotely wrong, living in a place like this seems to infect my brain without me realising it, at times. So, when I got to London, it felt like there was this huge disconnect between me and Czech - and not to do with anything she did or felt. Whatever the case, I am glad it happened because it is something I am more aware of now and Czech and I were able to discuss it.
What I do know is that I love her very much. She is so incredibly good to me and is such a beautiful and lovely person. I cannot say it enough. Right now we are missing each other terribly, but are trying to deal with the distance.
There is something I am bit worried about. Czech is going home next week to have a check up. She had told me her doctor had spotted something during her pelvic exam a few months ago and she has to do this follow up visit to make sure things are ok. Hopefully, everything will be fine. She is so strong and positive and I do the same so she does not have any stress, but the truth is I am so terrified. I think I am feeling so close to her and missing her that I worry about losing her in this way - especially in light of B's death. I've actually been thinking of B a lot because in January it was the one year anniversary of her death and then a week ago it was her birthday. Something, huh?
Anyway, I have lots to be thankful for and all is going well. I am job-hunting at the moment, too, so am looking forward to the positive changes that a new job shall bring.
All for now...This was just a little update for ya! :)
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Happy New Year!
Yes, I am still alive and kicking.
At the moment I am job hunting and just busy with everyday stuff like keeping the house in order and taking care of my mom. I am trying to get going with exercise and taking better care of myself, but am struggling with getting myself out the damn door to "just do it"!
Great news! I am going to London next month to see Czech! I found out about this fantastic seat sale and booked a flight. It was amazing. I have never paid so little for a flight to the UK! It was a quarter of the price I usually pay!!! So, I just couldn't resist heading off to see my sweetie. I have been missing her a great deal and she has been missing me as well, so she is completely over the moon about this upcoming trip. She is still in the Czech Republic on holiday and will be heading back to the UK on the weekend.
All has been going really well with us. It is hard dealing with the distance at times, but I really like how we seem to handle it, overall. We just see it as something that is temporary and a necessary step in planning our future. I want to get a decent job and to save a bit of money and Czech is also going to be looking for a new job, too. We have talked about living in the UK or France or somewhere else, but we are taking things one step at a time. I love her very much and I really enjoy the reciprocity, respect, and unconditional love in this relationship. It feels so healthy and wonderful. It is nice to trust again and to do it with someone who is so healthy and deserving of such trust.
Things are going really well. What can I say? Me is in love! :)
One thing I must address is getting healthy and shaving off this weight. It's a never ending battle! But I must do it as I haven't been feeling healthy and I need energy and to be at my best. I also need to manage stress better. I don't really feel stressed - today, at least - but stress is with me and I know how it affects the mind and body, even when we think all is ok. So, I am going to keep trying to push myself out the door and to get moving. Maybe I can blog about it like in the past. That was really a great source of support and motivation.
Well, that's a wee update. Will let you know how it goes on the exercise front.
At the moment I am job hunting and just busy with everyday stuff like keeping the house in order and taking care of my mom. I am trying to get going with exercise and taking better care of myself, but am struggling with getting myself out the damn door to "just do it"!
Great news! I am going to London next month to see Czech! I found out about this fantastic seat sale and booked a flight. It was amazing. I have never paid so little for a flight to the UK! It was a quarter of the price I usually pay!!! So, I just couldn't resist heading off to see my sweetie. I have been missing her a great deal and she has been missing me as well, so she is completely over the moon about this upcoming trip. She is still in the Czech Republic on holiday and will be heading back to the UK on the weekend.
All has been going really well with us. It is hard dealing with the distance at times, but I really like how we seem to handle it, overall. We just see it as something that is temporary and a necessary step in planning our future. I want to get a decent job and to save a bit of money and Czech is also going to be looking for a new job, too. We have talked about living in the UK or France or somewhere else, but we are taking things one step at a time. I love her very much and I really enjoy the reciprocity, respect, and unconditional love in this relationship. It feels so healthy and wonderful. It is nice to trust again and to do it with someone who is so healthy and deserving of such trust.
Things are going really well. What can I say? Me is in love! :)
One thing I must address is getting healthy and shaving off this weight. It's a never ending battle! But I must do it as I haven't been feeling healthy and I need energy and to be at my best. I also need to manage stress better. I don't really feel stressed - today, at least - but stress is with me and I know how it affects the mind and body, even when we think all is ok. So, I am going to keep trying to push myself out the door and to get moving. Maybe I can blog about it like in the past. That was really a great source of support and motivation.
Well, that's a wee update. Will let you know how it goes on the exercise front.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Endings & Beginnings
I arrived back on Invisible Island last night.
Whew!
Packing and travelling is a trip! (Pun very intended!) But, alas, I am here. Studies are over and I have no idea how I did. Well, I do know it was crap performance and I know I failed my stats re-sit, so I will have to live with a fail grade on my transcript. Not the end of the world. I am just proud of myself for hanging in there and finishing what I started. I completed my studies and I am pleased with how much I have learned and grown.
The week before leaving, I went to London and stayed with Czech before she headed home to the Czech Republic. We had a very special time. I love her very much and I feel lucky to have found her. Whenever I say this, she "corrects" me and says, "'We' are lucky to have found each other" and I think that is so sweet. She really makes my heart feel so full.
My plan is to work things out so I can return to the UK and be with her and we can have a life together. I find the prospect of this very exciting and frightening all at the same time. It is very new for me and Czech really understands my fears and is very great about it all. I love being with someone where everything is reciprocated and it feels GOOD. What I love most is that she loves me just as I am.
Anyway, I have been here on Invisible Island for less than 24 hours and already I see that I need to find a way to get out of this house and move on with my life. I want to separate from my family because I don't really have anything in common with them and I know they don't get me. (By family I am referring to my siblings mostly.) Part of me feels a little torn when it comes to my mother, though, but I don't feel it would be good for me to stay here and care for her. I am just worried about how well she will be cared for if I leave for good. My brother and sister take care of her, but I feel there is much more attention needed to her care. It is very difficult to look after my mother properly if one is working because it requires a lot of time. For example, getting my mother to get in the shower is a major task because she resists and you have to really do a lot of talking and maneuvering to convince her to step into the shower. The process took me at least two hours this morning and is not something I would be able to do if I was working, so I understand my sister not being able to do certain things. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is not an easy thing as we know, and even this morning I felt the joy of seeing my mom again drain away. I made her a cup of tea and she took it from the dinner table and walked to the kitchen door and emptied the mug onto the lawn. Even now, as I type this, she is going down the hallway and into my room every minute. This usually means she will move things about and I have my bags and things all there since I am unpacking. Whatever! You know how it goes. I've talked about it before.
I will need money soon, so I will be looking for a job - any job - much sooner than I originally planned. Once I can see my way clear, then I will be able to be with Czech. What I love about her is that she keeps telling me she wants to wait for me and that she will do what she can to come and visit me soon. We both know it will be challenging being apart for an extended period, but we also understand that it part of preparing for our future. I like that.
While I am here I will try to update my blog a bit more often...and fill in the missing gaps from the last few months or weeks.
Whew!
Packing and travelling is a trip! (Pun very intended!) But, alas, I am here. Studies are over and I have no idea how I did. Well, I do know it was crap performance and I know I failed my stats re-sit, so I will have to live with a fail grade on my transcript. Not the end of the world. I am just proud of myself for hanging in there and finishing what I started. I completed my studies and I am pleased with how much I have learned and grown.
The week before leaving, I went to London and stayed with Czech before she headed home to the Czech Republic. We had a very special time. I love her very much and I feel lucky to have found her. Whenever I say this, she "corrects" me and says, "'We' are lucky to have found each other" and I think that is so sweet. She really makes my heart feel so full.
My plan is to work things out so I can return to the UK and be with her and we can have a life together. I find the prospect of this very exciting and frightening all at the same time. It is very new for me and Czech really understands my fears and is very great about it all. I love being with someone where everything is reciprocated and it feels GOOD. What I love most is that she loves me just as I am.
Anyway, I have been here on Invisible Island for less than 24 hours and already I see that I need to find a way to get out of this house and move on with my life. I want to separate from my family because I don't really have anything in common with them and I know they don't get me. (By family I am referring to my siblings mostly.) Part of me feels a little torn when it comes to my mother, though, but I don't feel it would be good for me to stay here and care for her. I am just worried about how well she will be cared for if I leave for good. My brother and sister take care of her, but I feel there is much more attention needed to her care. It is very difficult to look after my mother properly if one is working because it requires a lot of time. For example, getting my mother to get in the shower is a major task because she resists and you have to really do a lot of talking and maneuvering to convince her to step into the shower. The process took me at least two hours this morning and is not something I would be able to do if I was working, so I understand my sister not being able to do certain things. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is not an easy thing as we know, and even this morning I felt the joy of seeing my mom again drain away. I made her a cup of tea and she took it from the dinner table and walked to the kitchen door and emptied the mug onto the lawn. Even now, as I type this, she is going down the hallway and into my room every minute. This usually means she will move things about and I have my bags and things all there since I am unpacking. Whatever! You know how it goes. I've talked about it before.
I will need money soon, so I will be looking for a job - any job - much sooner than I originally planned. Once I can see my way clear, then I will be able to be with Czech. What I love about her is that she keeps telling me she wants to wait for me and that she will do what she can to come and visit me soon. We both know it will be challenging being apart for an extended period, but we also understand that it part of preparing for our future. I like that.
While I am here I will try to update my blog a bit more often...and fill in the missing gaps from the last few months or weeks.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Winding Down
Exams start next week and I finished my research report which was....well....abyssmal. :( I allowed procrastination to ruin it and I am pretty disappointed in myself. The report and research is worth the equivalent of two courses, so it's really not good. I had an excellent chance of getting a First, but I blew it. I won't fail, but I will probably just about get a 2:2, which is the equivalent of a C.
No point in crying over the spilled milk, though. I just have to get on with preparing for my exams, which is what I am doing at the moment. I really will be happy to finish. I just want a break from studies at the moment - even though I am thankful for the experience and feel it was great for me. Hard to believe that in three weeks I will be back home, though. Will be a nice change, even if a little challenging.
Other than the obvious challenges of transitioning back to life back on Invisible Island and making a number of life decisions, will be the difficulty of leaving Czech here, even though we are planning for this separation to be temporary. Things are very good with us and I care for her deeply. The weekend before last she came again and we stayed at a nearby hotel for a for days. I have been SO stressed with my studies and deadlines and she was so encouraging, patient, and supportive. I don't know where she gets it from, but she is just amazing when it comes to this sort of thing. I appreciate it so much.
My exams finish on the 6th and I will go to London and spend a few days with her before she goes home for the holidays on the 12th. We are both looking forward to that time very much and it will be lovely.
Oh! Guess what?! A few days ago I saw Karen on the the television again. She was on the news as a "consumer jounalist" talking about whether people were spending money given the upcoming Chrismas season. It was weird seeing her so clearly like that again. If you remember, I saw her last year when she was on as well, although that was not as lengthy an interview as this one. She looked a bit different as well. Older. And, yes....it pleased me greatly. lol!
No point in crying over the spilled milk, though. I just have to get on with preparing for my exams, which is what I am doing at the moment. I really will be happy to finish. I just want a break from studies at the moment - even though I am thankful for the experience and feel it was great for me. Hard to believe that in three weeks I will be back home, though. Will be a nice change, even if a little challenging.
Other than the obvious challenges of transitioning back to life back on Invisible Island and making a number of life decisions, will be the difficulty of leaving Czech here, even though we are planning for this separation to be temporary. Things are very good with us and I care for her deeply. The weekend before last she came again and we stayed at a nearby hotel for a for days. I have been SO stressed with my studies and deadlines and she was so encouraging, patient, and supportive. I don't know where she gets it from, but she is just amazing when it comes to this sort of thing. I appreciate it so much.
My exams finish on the 6th and I will go to London and spend a few days with her before she goes home for the holidays on the 12th. We are both looking forward to that time very much and it will be lovely.
Oh! Guess what?! A few days ago I saw Karen on the the television again. She was on the news as a "consumer jounalist" talking about whether people were spending money given the upcoming Chrismas season. It was weird seeing her so clearly like that again. If you remember, I saw her last year when she was on as well, although that was not as lengthy an interview as this one. She looked a bit different as well. Older. And, yes....it pleased me greatly. lol!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Ahhhhh....Life is Good..... :)
Obama won! I am elated!
I am so proud of him and I am proud of the American people. He is such a unifying figure who I believe will do amazingly positive things to transform America, bringing the change that is needed domestically and to improve the country's reputation internationally. He will have a tough road ahead, but he and everyone who wants to make the positive and necessary changes can make it happen. As much as I am so very proud of Obama, this is not just about him - it is about everyone who wants to make a difference and see a better way forward for ALL.
It is a truly great day in WORLD history. I am positively beaming!
So, yes, this has me smiling an extra wide smile today....
I know it has been a while since updating this blog and I'm sorry for that, but you know how I get. Things have been great with Czech. We spent a long weekend at a hotel in a nearby town, like I had mentioned before. It was really nice. She is a great person and I love how she looks after and cares for me. It has been a while since I have experienced this so fully. I had a terrible cold and was saying I needed to go to the doctor and she asked me wait until we were together so I could try a few things to help it go away. I was so reluctant and almost felt she was being silly for a moment, but I acquiesced and have to admit she helped my cold tremendously. I swear, she should be a doctor or something! She is definitely good for me...
Anyway, yeah, we had a great time and I never left the room from the time we checked in, right up until the time we checked out! I spent the time overdosing on room service and sex! It was brilliant! lol! We spent a lot of talking as well and this was important. I learned a great deal about myself from being with her, as I seem to do each time I interact with her. (I will tell you more about this another time since it is bound to be very long.)
We've also noticed how our cultural differences affect the way we relate with each other and view life, in general. It is not problematic, but it is something I find I must keep in mind at times. Again, more on this another time.
For now, I just wanted to say things are going really well and I am very happy. (Can't believe I am finishing my studies in less than a month, though! Scary, scary, scary!)
I am so proud of him and I am proud of the American people. He is such a unifying figure who I believe will do amazingly positive things to transform America, bringing the change that is needed domestically and to improve the country's reputation internationally. He will have a tough road ahead, but he and everyone who wants to make the positive and necessary changes can make it happen. As much as I am so very proud of Obama, this is not just about him - it is about everyone who wants to make a difference and see a better way forward for ALL.
It is a truly great day in WORLD history. I am positively beaming!
So, yes, this has me smiling an extra wide smile today....
I know it has been a while since updating this blog and I'm sorry for that, but you know how I get. Things have been great with Czech. We spent a long weekend at a hotel in a nearby town, like I had mentioned before. It was really nice. She is a great person and I love how she looks after and cares for me. It has been a while since I have experienced this so fully. I had a terrible cold and was saying I needed to go to the doctor and she asked me wait until we were together so I could try a few things to help it go away. I was so reluctant and almost felt she was being silly for a moment, but I acquiesced and have to admit she helped my cold tremendously. I swear, she should be a doctor or something! She is definitely good for me...
Anyway, yeah, we had a great time and I never left the room from the time we checked in, right up until the time we checked out! I spent the time overdosing on room service and sex! It was brilliant! lol! We spent a lot of talking as well and this was important. I learned a great deal about myself from being with her, as I seem to do each time I interact with her. (I will tell you more about this another time since it is bound to be very long.)
We've also noticed how our cultural differences affect the way we relate with each other and view life, in general. It is not problematic, but it is something I find I must keep in mind at times. Again, more on this another time.
For now, I just wanted to say things are going really well and I am very happy. (Can't believe I am finishing my studies in less than a month, though! Scary, scary, scary!)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Girlfriend
I've had a terrible cold for the past week and tonight I damn near burst into tears because I couldn't stop coughing. It's one of those dry, hacking coughs, which is so unproductive, or at least feels that way. I even threw up a little. It really seems to be something with the dry air here in the UK compared to where I am from, that makes having a cold much worse when I get one here.
Anyway, Czech is so sweet and has been very concerned. She is a lovely person to be around if you are not feeling well, but the problem is she is not here and so I was feeling cranky and just wanting to go home. Yep! I ain't no prize when I get sick. Czech kept calling and telling me I need to do this and to do that in order to help get rid of the cough and cold. At one point, when I was quiet and didn't really feel like talking, she said, "Is Francesca going to listen to her girlfriend and do these things to take care of her cold?" All I could hear was the word "girlfriend" and then I just melted and didn't care about my stupid cough or how miserable I was feeling. I said, "You called me your girlfriend." She responded with, "I did. Are you surprised?...I can tell you are smiling."
I was surprised....and I liked it. I liked it very much. So, it seems I have a girlfriend. lol....I'm laughing because I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend or if I did, I never had a label for it. But, no, I've not really had a girlfriend.
We are going to spend time together next weekend and have booked a hotel in a nearby town so we can have more freedom because I am living in the residence hall and she has a flatmate. Czech doesn't mind coming to stay with me, but I don't find it as comfortable or as private as I would like and I want to feel as free as possible when I am with her.
We will see each other only 2 or 3 more times before I pack up and leave for Invisible Island and she goes to the Czech Republic for the Chirstmas holidays. It's a very difficult stage in terms of time because of my research and assigments and upcoming final exams. Once I return to Invisible Island I will have to assess a few more things there and make a few decisions about my future. I don't know how long this will take, but Czech says she will wait for me. We have spent an enormous amount of time talking, sharing, and getting to know and understand each other. It has been a wonderful experience and I am enjoying the attention, love, and kindness she constantly provides. I feel that with her there is a chance of a very healthy relationship and she feels the same. We seem very much in synch about almost everything and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm in a "normal" relationship with someone. (Well, to be fair, I've not done the relationship thing, so even that is new.) We have a long road ahead with a number of challenges - especially with me returning home and having to make so many important decisions about my life and responsibilities, but Czech wants us to make them together.
We have known each other for a month and already we have told each other, "I love you." We have talked about a future in very specific and real terms. I have questioned how real this is because of how quickly we have moved, but I have concluded that because things have been very healthy on both sides in terms of our approaches to all of this and because we have been extraordinarily direct, open, and honest about things, it is real and it is understandable. We recognise that there is so much more to learn about each other, but we also agree that we have shared more in these four weeks than many have shared over a MUCH longer period. Something else I also believe is that in female same-sex relationships there is much greater intensity and communication and so this facilitates the very quick progression of such relationships. Whatever the case we still are trying to take a measured approach even though it is all happening so quickly.
There is something else that has occurred to me. With Czech there is a noticeable sense of calm and peacefulness in our relationship. No drama. A mature approach to challenges that arise. A mutual respect for each other. It feels as it should be. However, I have sometimes been tempted to create drama and have stopped myself just in time. I think it is easy to misinterpret healthy, peaceful relationships as boring - as lacking excitement. Having thought on it, I have come to realise that I have been involved with some pretty unhealthy people. After a heavy dose of either poor choices or bad experiences, it seems I have become almost addicted to craziness and have equated it with passion and excitement. I am glad I have been able to see this and that I have been able to speak openly and honestly with Czech about it, with her being very understanding and clear on how she sees the situation.
As I get older and as I reflect on the two most life-changing issues in my life - my mother getting Alzheimer's disease and B dying of cancer at the start of the year - see more clearly what matters most to me in a relationship. I want to be with someone who I can rely on and who respects and considers me as they go about their life. I want someone who will be there for me if things go wrong. I think of things like getting older and getting ill and I don't want to face such things alone...but I don't want to face them with someone who stresses me or who is unreliable and uncaring. I want someone who will be there for me through thick and thin. I believe Czech is this person. Will we make it or be together forever? I don't know. But what I do see is the good she brings to my life and the opportunity to grow in a positive direction with this kind of relationship. I feel content and peace with Czech so far and I know she feels this with me.
It is going to be a lovely journey...wherever we end up....me and my "girlfriend"... *giggle*
Anyway, Czech is so sweet and has been very concerned. She is a lovely person to be around if you are not feeling well, but the problem is she is not here and so I was feeling cranky and just wanting to go home. Yep! I ain't no prize when I get sick. Czech kept calling and telling me I need to do this and to do that in order to help get rid of the cough and cold. At one point, when I was quiet and didn't really feel like talking, she said, "Is Francesca going to listen to her girlfriend and do these things to take care of her cold?" All I could hear was the word "girlfriend" and then I just melted and didn't care about my stupid cough or how miserable I was feeling. I said, "You called me your girlfriend." She responded with, "I did. Are you surprised?...I can tell you are smiling."
I was surprised....and I liked it. I liked it very much. So, it seems I have a girlfriend. lol....I'm laughing because I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend or if I did, I never had a label for it. But, no, I've not really had a girlfriend.
We are going to spend time together next weekend and have booked a hotel in a nearby town so we can have more freedom because I am living in the residence hall and she has a flatmate. Czech doesn't mind coming to stay with me, but I don't find it as comfortable or as private as I would like and I want to feel as free as possible when I am with her.
We will see each other only 2 or 3 more times before I pack up and leave for Invisible Island and she goes to the Czech Republic for the Chirstmas holidays. It's a very difficult stage in terms of time because of my research and assigments and upcoming final exams. Once I return to Invisible Island I will have to assess a few more things there and make a few decisions about my future. I don't know how long this will take, but Czech says she will wait for me. We have spent an enormous amount of time talking, sharing, and getting to know and understand each other. It has been a wonderful experience and I am enjoying the attention, love, and kindness she constantly provides. I feel that with her there is a chance of a very healthy relationship and she feels the same. We seem very much in synch about almost everything and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm in a "normal" relationship with someone. (Well, to be fair, I've not done the relationship thing, so even that is new.) We have a long road ahead with a number of challenges - especially with me returning home and having to make so many important decisions about my life and responsibilities, but Czech wants us to make them together.
We have known each other for a month and already we have told each other, "I love you." We have talked about a future in very specific and real terms. I have questioned how real this is because of how quickly we have moved, but I have concluded that because things have been very healthy on both sides in terms of our approaches to all of this and because we have been extraordinarily direct, open, and honest about things, it is real and it is understandable. We recognise that there is so much more to learn about each other, but we also agree that we have shared more in these four weeks than many have shared over a MUCH longer period. Something else I also believe is that in female same-sex relationships there is much greater intensity and communication and so this facilitates the very quick progression of such relationships. Whatever the case we still are trying to take a measured approach even though it is all happening so quickly.
There is something else that has occurred to me. With Czech there is a noticeable sense of calm and peacefulness in our relationship. No drama. A mature approach to challenges that arise. A mutual respect for each other. It feels as it should be. However, I have sometimes been tempted to create drama and have stopped myself just in time. I think it is easy to misinterpret healthy, peaceful relationships as boring - as lacking excitement. Having thought on it, I have come to realise that I have been involved with some pretty unhealthy people. After a heavy dose of either poor choices or bad experiences, it seems I have become almost addicted to craziness and have equated it with passion and excitement. I am glad I have been able to see this and that I have been able to speak openly and honestly with Czech about it, with her being very understanding and clear on how she sees the situation.
As I get older and as I reflect on the two most life-changing issues in my life - my mother getting Alzheimer's disease and B dying of cancer at the start of the year - see more clearly what matters most to me in a relationship. I want to be with someone who I can rely on and who respects and considers me as they go about their life. I want someone who will be there for me if things go wrong. I think of things like getting older and getting ill and I don't want to face such things alone...but I don't want to face them with someone who stresses me or who is unreliable and uncaring. I want someone who will be there for me through thick and thin. I believe Czech is this person. Will we make it or be together forever? I don't know. But what I do see is the good she brings to my life and the opportunity to grow in a positive direction with this kind of relationship. I feel content and peace with Czech so far and I know she feels this with me.
It is going to be a lovely journey...wherever we end up....me and my "girlfriend"... *giggle*
Monday, October 20, 2008
Up for Air...
Czech has been here visiting with me since Wednesday. She left last night.
We had a very special time getting closer and having LOADS of sex! Loverly! lol! (I swear, I've never eaten so much pussy in all my life and I just love it! My mouth is sore, though! hee-hee)....
She is a very, very special person and this is all very new to me in a lot of different ways. She is incredibly considerate, thoughtful, kind, nurturing, calm, respectful, intelligent, analytical, contemplative, and completely loving. She is exceptionally peaceful and this is what I feel when I am with her. There doesn't seem to be a jealous bone in her body and she is understanding beyond belief, while not being a pushover.
Being with her these past few days has given me a lot to think about. Will share more when I have more time, but things were very good.
We had a very special time getting closer and having LOADS of sex! Loverly! lol! (I swear, I've never eaten so much pussy in all my life and I just love it! My mouth is sore, though! hee-hee)....
She is a very, very special person and this is all very new to me in a lot of different ways. She is incredibly considerate, thoughtful, kind, nurturing, calm, respectful, intelligent, analytical, contemplative, and completely loving. She is exceptionally peaceful and this is what I feel when I am with her. There doesn't seem to be a jealous bone in her body and she is understanding beyond belief, while not being a pushover.
Being with her these past few days has given me a lot to think about. Will share more when I have more time, but things were very good.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Quickie Update
Well, it's done.
Czech has sent her now ex-grilfriend back to the Czech Republic and the relationship is over. She has cancelled her trip to Sardinia and will be coming to staying with me tomorrow.
She is feeling pretty emotional about everything that has happened with her ex. It was a 10 year relationship, so it is no surprise there are a lot of mixed emotions. She is 100% certain that it is the right thing to have ended the relationship, but I still feel we need to take things a bit slow.
She sent me a message saying, "I am free to be with you!"
It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. Will see how it goes.
Czech has sent her now ex-grilfriend back to the Czech Republic and the relationship is over. She has cancelled her trip to Sardinia and will be coming to staying with me tomorrow.
She is feeling pretty emotional about everything that has happened with her ex. It was a 10 year relationship, so it is no surprise there are a lot of mixed emotions. She is 100% certain that it is the right thing to have ended the relationship, but I still feel we need to take things a bit slow.
She sent me a message saying, "I am free to be with you!"
It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. Will see how it goes.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Crazy Weekend
Yeah, a crazy weekend.
Czech's girlfriend had come to visit with her in London from the Czech Republic since Monday and tomorrow they were supposed to go on vacation together until Saturday. These arrangements were made long before I came on the scene.
It has been a very challenging week for Czech because she has been addressing things with her girlfriend that have never been addressed before. As I mentioned before, she has characterised her relationship with her gf as an open one, but it seems to have been open only from her gf's side. There have been affairs and multiple relationships, where she often ended up being the odd one out. When I asked her how her gf would feel about us, she said her gf would not take it well at all. Because of all of this, I have suggested to her from the outset that she needs to deal with this. I was ok with moving along in a mature and healthy, open relationship, but this is definitely not one. I was also not into coming between two people, but I think that after being in an unhappy relationship for so long, Czech just got stuck along the way. It happens. Sometimes we just get complacent and settle for nonsense. Many of us have been there. I also think I am the first outlet Czech has ever had. All before, she just allowed things to go on and when things were difficult in the relationship she had no one she could talk to.
Because of the way things have been and as I have learned more about her gf and the whole relationship, I had told Czech I felt it best to wait until they have sorted things out before we can spend time and move things along properly. No ultimatums or anything like that, just trying to be as sensible as possible amid a difficult situation. It's just that I am not interested in any sneaking around or hiding whatsoever because it would be a very bad start for us, plus I don't want her to feel conflicted. She is a very honest and kind person - someone very decent - and I don't want her to get involved in behaviour that is even remotely contrary to who she is as a person.
Anyway, it's just been chaos over the past few days as she has gone ahead and dealt with what she needs to. It sounds pretty hellish - the reaction from her gf. I understand it, but it is all so unhealthy. Czech told me she ended the relationship and that it has been pretty unbearable. She packed a bag and left the house yesterday because she just couldn't take it anymore, and she wanted to come and stay with me, but I told her I did not think this was the right thing and that she needed to just face what was happening and deal with it, no matter how hard. It was difficult to do this, knowing full well that I wanted her to come and stay with me, but I really felt this was the right decision. She went back tot he house and dealt with the situation further.
Something I have even suggested to her is that we even take a time out so she can heal from this experience of the relationship ending. They had been together for over 10 years, so it is a very significant relationship for many reasons. Czech doesn't want to take a break or to have space, but I think that for me, I want to take things very slowly. These types of situations don't usually work out - relationships that begin right as one ends. Plus, we were hot and heavy very fast and I know how that goes as well. Eventually, the intensity wears off and you see each other more clearly. Much comes with this process. So, I am just trying to be a bit sensible about things - or as near to sensible as I can get!
Czech is a good person. She is incredibly perceptive and clever - emotionally and intellectually. In her it feels like I might have met my match when it comes to stuff like this. If I'm feeling a bit jumbled, she can quickly step in and analyse and get to the heart of exactly what is going on in my head and my heart. There are very, very few people who can do this. I like it a great deal.
So, this is where things are. She says she might not go on vacation after all and has asked if she can just come and stay with me for a few days. She said she just wants to come and be in a happy and nice place and to just relax. I've reminded her repeatedly that I don't live in an apartment, but she doesn't care. She just wants to be with me and to feel at peace. We will talk about it today. I am reluctant for her to come because it is not the most romantic place - my university accommodation. Also, being closeted, I think that I would be worrying about if others around here catch on to the fact that we are "together". Will see how it goes. It would be nice to be with her, but will see.
In other news, I had been trying to reach my best friend from back home and each time there was no response. I figured she was just busy, but she still normally gets back to me. Anyway, she sent me an email the night before last telling me she is in the US undergoing a battery of tests. It seems there is some problem with her liver and the readings are well beyond normal. Also, she is finding it difficult to walk, dress or bath herself, or anything without assistance. She told me she didn't want me to worry so was trying to hold off on telling me. I called her and she does sound exhausted. It all seems so unbelieveable. She will be there for at least another week or so as they try to find out what is causing all of this. I didn't push her on it when we spoke, but in her email she had written, "Don't want to say what they think it is because I'm not ready to accept it." It's all bothering me so much, but trying not to dwell on it. Quite honestly, it all brings back memories of the whole distressing situation that B went through. Please send positive vibes across the way to my friend, ok?
*sigh*
I've still been behaving like I am on vacation, rather than someone who has only 2 months left (to the day!) to complete my degree. Struggling to focus and seriously behind on a number of things. Never completed that essay for L's course, so I am sure to get a zero on that and I think it was worth 20 - 25% of my final mark! I know I am just plain crazy!
And speaking of crazy, I am dealing with this fucking moron of a guy who lives across the hall from me. Something is really wrong with him and I consider him a very unsafe person. I'll talk more about this another time, but I've reported him via a strongly worded bit of correspondence, making it crytal clear I expect him to be dealt with. Will tell you later. I promise....
Have a happy Monday! xx
Czech's girlfriend had come to visit with her in London from the Czech Republic since Monday and tomorrow they were supposed to go on vacation together until Saturday. These arrangements were made long before I came on the scene.
It has been a very challenging week for Czech because she has been addressing things with her girlfriend that have never been addressed before. As I mentioned before, she has characterised her relationship with her gf as an open one, but it seems to have been open only from her gf's side. There have been affairs and multiple relationships, where she often ended up being the odd one out. When I asked her how her gf would feel about us, she said her gf would not take it well at all. Because of all of this, I have suggested to her from the outset that she needs to deal with this. I was ok with moving along in a mature and healthy, open relationship, but this is definitely not one. I was also not into coming between two people, but I think that after being in an unhappy relationship for so long, Czech just got stuck along the way. It happens. Sometimes we just get complacent and settle for nonsense. Many of us have been there. I also think I am the first outlet Czech has ever had. All before, she just allowed things to go on and when things were difficult in the relationship she had no one she could talk to.
Because of the way things have been and as I have learned more about her gf and the whole relationship, I had told Czech I felt it best to wait until they have sorted things out before we can spend time and move things along properly. No ultimatums or anything like that, just trying to be as sensible as possible amid a difficult situation. It's just that I am not interested in any sneaking around or hiding whatsoever because it would be a very bad start for us, plus I don't want her to feel conflicted. She is a very honest and kind person - someone very decent - and I don't want her to get involved in behaviour that is even remotely contrary to who she is as a person.
Anyway, it's just been chaos over the past few days as she has gone ahead and dealt with what she needs to. It sounds pretty hellish - the reaction from her gf. I understand it, but it is all so unhealthy. Czech told me she ended the relationship and that it has been pretty unbearable. She packed a bag and left the house yesterday because she just couldn't take it anymore, and she wanted to come and stay with me, but I told her I did not think this was the right thing and that she needed to just face what was happening and deal with it, no matter how hard. It was difficult to do this, knowing full well that I wanted her to come and stay with me, but I really felt this was the right decision. She went back tot he house and dealt with the situation further.
Something I have even suggested to her is that we even take a time out so she can heal from this experience of the relationship ending. They had been together for over 10 years, so it is a very significant relationship for many reasons. Czech doesn't want to take a break or to have space, but I think that for me, I want to take things very slowly. These types of situations don't usually work out - relationships that begin right as one ends. Plus, we were hot and heavy very fast and I know how that goes as well. Eventually, the intensity wears off and you see each other more clearly. Much comes with this process. So, I am just trying to be a bit sensible about things - or as near to sensible as I can get!
Czech is a good person. She is incredibly perceptive and clever - emotionally and intellectually. In her it feels like I might have met my match when it comes to stuff like this. If I'm feeling a bit jumbled, she can quickly step in and analyse and get to the heart of exactly what is going on in my head and my heart. There are very, very few people who can do this. I like it a great deal.
So, this is where things are. She says she might not go on vacation after all and has asked if she can just come and stay with me for a few days. She said she just wants to come and be in a happy and nice place and to just relax. I've reminded her repeatedly that I don't live in an apartment, but she doesn't care. She just wants to be with me and to feel at peace. We will talk about it today. I am reluctant for her to come because it is not the most romantic place - my university accommodation. Also, being closeted, I think that I would be worrying about if others around here catch on to the fact that we are "together". Will see how it goes. It would be nice to be with her, but will see.
In other news, I had been trying to reach my best friend from back home and each time there was no response. I figured she was just busy, but she still normally gets back to me. Anyway, she sent me an email the night before last telling me she is in the US undergoing a battery of tests. It seems there is some problem with her liver and the readings are well beyond normal. Also, she is finding it difficult to walk, dress or bath herself, or anything without assistance. She told me she didn't want me to worry so was trying to hold off on telling me. I called her and she does sound exhausted. It all seems so unbelieveable. She will be there for at least another week or so as they try to find out what is causing all of this. I didn't push her on it when we spoke, but in her email she had written, "Don't want to say what they think it is because I'm not ready to accept it." It's all bothering me so much, but trying not to dwell on it. Quite honestly, it all brings back memories of the whole distressing situation that B went through. Please send positive vibes across the way to my friend, ok?
*sigh*
I've still been behaving like I am on vacation, rather than someone who has only 2 months left (to the day!) to complete my degree. Struggling to focus and seriously behind on a number of things. Never completed that essay for L's course, so I am sure to get a zero on that and I think it was worth 20 - 25% of my final mark! I know I am just plain crazy!
And speaking of crazy, I am dealing with this fucking moron of a guy who lives across the hall from me. Something is really wrong with him and I consider him a very unsafe person. I'll talk more about this another time, but I've reported him via a strongly worded bit of correspondence, making it crytal clear I expect him to be dealt with. Will tell you later. I promise....
Have a happy Monday! xx
Friday, October 10, 2008
Lucky me!
Tonight when talking with Czech, she said she wanted to spend her birthday with me if it was possible. I told her, "Of course!" Her birthday is in December and she is a bit worried because it is during my exams, but I told her we would be together. She doesn't care what she does on her birthday, but says she just wants to be with me. I like that. And I like that she is interested in the simple things in life. She is very much put off by superficialities.
When I was asking her about how she spent her previous birthdays, it didn't sound like that were very happy ones. I am learning that Czech has spent much of her life catering to other people and they have not always shown their appreciation or reciprocated. Somehow, she just has never complained and just wanted to make others happy, even if she was sad deep down inside. I don't mean to make her sound like some sad person or whatever. She has had good times, but this was just something I have noticed and relate to.
Anyway, today she told me that I have taught her that there is love in the world. She really does make me melt. Here's a text she send me a little while ago: "I love you...My heart loves your mind, my mind loves your heart. I wanna be with u. I don't know what it's gonna be like, yet it feels so good. I'm here for you..."
If I'm tired or have somethig on my mind, as I did this morning (I've been dealing with an insane neighbour!), then she wants to know how she can help. She is such a calm person and this quality has a very positive influence on me.
We were fussing (affectionately) over who is luckier - me for finding her or her for finding me. It was so funny. For the record, though....I'm luckier!.....lol!
When I was asking her about how she spent her previous birthdays, it didn't sound like that were very happy ones. I am learning that Czech has spent much of her life catering to other people and they have not always shown their appreciation or reciprocated. Somehow, she just has never complained and just wanted to make others happy, even if she was sad deep down inside. I don't mean to make her sound like some sad person or whatever. She has had good times, but this was just something I have noticed and relate to.
Anyway, today she told me that I have taught her that there is love in the world. She really does make me melt. Here's a text she send me a little while ago: "I love you...My heart loves your mind, my mind loves your heart. I wanna be with u. I don't know what it's gonna be like, yet it feels so good. I'm here for you..."
If I'm tired or have somethig on my mind, as I did this morning (I've been dealing with an insane neighbour!), then she wants to know how she can help. She is such a calm person and this quality has a very positive influence on me.
We were fussing (affectionately) over who is luckier - me for finding her or her for finding me. It was so funny. For the record, though....I'm luckier!.....lol!
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Love u! Love u! Love u!.....
I love her...she loves me...
Do you think this is possible? In such a very short time? I guess it doesn't matter...because it is true...We've spent SO much time talking that it does make sense.
Today we were talking and Czech was telling me that she would love to live by the sea one day, so I said we can...and we will...She liked this very much. I then got to thinking how nice it would be to live in France or Spain or Italy. France would be good I thought. I mean, what is there for me in Invisible Island? My parents are there and this is very important. I will have to look out for them and be there for them as best I can. I love them both very much. I also want to have a life of my own.
Czech and I are hoping to spend time together on the weekend of the 24th. She needs to sort a few things by then and then we can spend time together and see a way forward. She wants to come and be with me tomorrow, but I want her to sort these issues and then we can devote time properly to us and talk more about how we want to move things along together.
I have been sharing a lot more about myself with Czech. I don't usually share some of the things I have been sharing with her. I've been talking of my family. There was an article on my brother in the papers this week and I shared it with her. Before I would never have done that. It has excited her greatly because she knows how closeted I am and senses how guarded I can be. Her patience and kindness makes me open up to her so much.
Somethng that was quite funny was the other night when we were on the phone, she said to me, "Francesca, I think I've found your research and your blog." I went between freezing still and hysterical laughter. I had been considering telling her about my blog, but had not decided. I was fine with it, though. What had happened was I had posted information related to my research on my blog and another blogger was kind enough to mention it over at his blog and she picked it up during a google search. I love that she has been googling me and my family and stuff. She wants to know everything about me and has been trying not to push me and let me tell her in my own time, so as I tell her things I can see how happy it makes her. I like that the person I care about is so interested in me. I love it....
Now that I am in the last few months of my studies, I am trying to be careful with my money. This means I have to be careful with the phone. It's one of my biggest expenses. Has been ever since I got here. What I like about Czech is that she will call me all of the time and even if I ring her she wants me to hang up so she can ring me so I won't have to pay or anything. She is so caring and lovely.
What can I say? I'm smitten......hee-hee......
Do you think this is possible? In such a very short time? I guess it doesn't matter...because it is true...We've spent SO much time talking that it does make sense.
Today we were talking and Czech was telling me that she would love to live by the sea one day, so I said we can...and we will...She liked this very much. I then got to thinking how nice it would be to live in France or Spain or Italy. France would be good I thought. I mean, what is there for me in Invisible Island? My parents are there and this is very important. I will have to look out for them and be there for them as best I can. I love them both very much. I also want to have a life of my own.
Czech and I are hoping to spend time together on the weekend of the 24th. She needs to sort a few things by then and then we can spend time together and see a way forward. She wants to come and be with me tomorrow, but I want her to sort these issues and then we can devote time properly to us and talk more about how we want to move things along together.
I have been sharing a lot more about myself with Czech. I don't usually share some of the things I have been sharing with her. I've been talking of my family. There was an article on my brother in the papers this week and I shared it with her. Before I would never have done that. It has excited her greatly because she knows how closeted I am and senses how guarded I can be. Her patience and kindness makes me open up to her so much.
Somethng that was quite funny was the other night when we were on the phone, she said to me, "Francesca, I think I've found your research and your blog." I went between freezing still and hysterical laughter. I had been considering telling her about my blog, but had not decided. I was fine with it, though. What had happened was I had posted information related to my research on my blog and another blogger was kind enough to mention it over at his blog and she picked it up during a google search. I love that she has been googling me and my family and stuff. She wants to know everything about me and has been trying not to push me and let me tell her in my own time, so as I tell her things I can see how happy it makes her. I like that the person I care about is so interested in me. I love it....
Now that I am in the last few months of my studies, I am trying to be careful with my money. This means I have to be careful with the phone. It's one of my biggest expenses. Has been ever since I got here. What I like about Czech is that she will call me all of the time and even if I ring her she wants me to hang up so she can ring me so I won't have to pay or anything. She is so caring and lovely.
What can I say? I'm smitten......hee-hee......
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Smilin'...But With Feet on the Ground
I awoke this morning to a text from Czech saying, among other beautiful things, "I want to be ur girl..."
That is special...very special...
Everyday she seems to surprise me and there seems no limit to her kindness, warmth...and love....I like it very much....I like her very much....
Still, I am trying to keep both feet on the ground and to not get swept away with my head in the clouds. We have both said, "I love you" and she has told me she has fallen in love with me. It is exciting and scary all at once. I want to just be happy and in the moment and take it all in. At the same time, I have been telling her that it is important to consider that she is going through a transition in her life and through our discussions, is addressing a few things in her life that are aiding her personal growth. Many times when we are at this point in our lives and there is either someone who we have met at the same time we are going through such phases, it is easy for us to attach all of the emotions we feel to that person. We have that person there to hold our hand and support us through it and it is only once we are settled and in better control of the situation we can see that person who was there for us a bit differently. We no longer need hand-holding. We then have the clarity to see the person for themselves and not through the prism of the trying times we have been sorting through.
Czech insists she understands this and says she feels very clear about her situation and her feelings for me. She insists she loves me for me and not because of the timing. She feels I accept her for who she is, without any demands or pressure. She feels that I challenge her and want her to be genuinely and unconditionally happy. She is right. She is a special person and understands my cautious attitude. It's just that I don't want to get overly excited because it is so early and there is a lot to work through and learn about each other. I just want to enjoy that process and see where it takes us.
There was something a bit odd that happened, though. I talked to her about it this morning and she was so understanding and supportive. When we were kissing on Saturday, I felt a bit odd. Don't get me wrong, it was completely beautiful and just as I described in my previous post. But there was something that was holding me back slightly. I was even making a joke with her that I didn't feel I was at my best with my kissing and we were laughing. (She loved my kissing, by the way!) I've thought about it and I feel it had something to do with B. I think that maybe I felt a little conflicted because of my feelings for B. This is the first person I have had proper feelings for since B died. I know B and I never had a relationship or even a fling, but I still had (have) feelings for her and I think somehow I felt like I was being disloyal to her memory - to her place in my heart. I know this probably sounds very stupid. Goodness knows, if B was here or could somehow speak to me she would say, "Are you mad?! Just chill out and enjoy yourself!" B always wanted me to have fun and be happy.
Czech and I have talked about having sex and being togther so much over the past few days that I've suddenly begun to wonder if I can live up to the expectations we both have of it all. This has never really happened to me. I'm normally a very sexually confident and competent person - very much so! I'm sure it will be fine. I've talked to Czech about it and she is so understanding.
I also have hang-ups about my weight. Czech is so tiny and feminine and I worry about her not liking me. She insists that she is okay with all of this and that I must not worry. All she cares about is that I am comfortable. She is incredibly patient and sweet. Even when I talk to her about this sort of thing and say I want to lose weight, she says that she is willing to be here for support, but that it is not something that determines whether she loves or wants to be with me. She said she loves me as I am. I think I sometimes create these barriers and see problems that only I see - that are not an issue to the other person. Still, her attitude motivates me to be a better person - for myself and then for us.
Anyway, as much as I am enjoying the excitement and attention, I am proud of myself for keeping perspective. I am not being negative. Just being realistic and trying to take one thing at a time.
That is special...very special...
Everyday she seems to surprise me and there seems no limit to her kindness, warmth...and love....I like it very much....I like her very much....
Still, I am trying to keep both feet on the ground and to not get swept away with my head in the clouds. We have both said, "I love you" and she has told me she has fallen in love with me. It is exciting and scary all at once. I want to just be happy and in the moment and take it all in. At the same time, I have been telling her that it is important to consider that she is going through a transition in her life and through our discussions, is addressing a few things in her life that are aiding her personal growth. Many times when we are at this point in our lives and there is either someone who we have met at the same time we are going through such phases, it is easy for us to attach all of the emotions we feel to that person. We have that person there to hold our hand and support us through it and it is only once we are settled and in better control of the situation we can see that person who was there for us a bit differently. We no longer need hand-holding. We then have the clarity to see the person for themselves and not through the prism of the trying times we have been sorting through.
Czech insists she understands this and says she feels very clear about her situation and her feelings for me. She insists she loves me for me and not because of the timing. She feels I accept her for who she is, without any demands or pressure. She feels that I challenge her and want her to be genuinely and unconditionally happy. She is right. She is a special person and understands my cautious attitude. It's just that I don't want to get overly excited because it is so early and there is a lot to work through and learn about each other. I just want to enjoy that process and see where it takes us.
There was something a bit odd that happened, though. I talked to her about it this morning and she was so understanding and supportive. When we were kissing on Saturday, I felt a bit odd. Don't get me wrong, it was completely beautiful and just as I described in my previous post. But there was something that was holding me back slightly. I was even making a joke with her that I didn't feel I was at my best with my kissing and we were laughing. (She loved my kissing, by the way!) I've thought about it and I feel it had something to do with B. I think that maybe I felt a little conflicted because of my feelings for B. This is the first person I have had proper feelings for since B died. I know B and I never had a relationship or even a fling, but I still had (have) feelings for her and I think somehow I felt like I was being disloyal to her memory - to her place in my heart. I know this probably sounds very stupid. Goodness knows, if B was here or could somehow speak to me she would say, "Are you mad?! Just chill out and enjoy yourself!" B always wanted me to have fun and be happy.
Czech and I have talked about having sex and being togther so much over the past few days that I've suddenly begun to wonder if I can live up to the expectations we both have of it all. This has never really happened to me. I'm normally a very sexually confident and competent person - very much so! I'm sure it will be fine. I've talked to Czech about it and she is so understanding.
I also have hang-ups about my weight. Czech is so tiny and feminine and I worry about her not liking me. She insists that she is okay with all of this and that I must not worry. All she cares about is that I am comfortable. She is incredibly patient and sweet. Even when I talk to her about this sort of thing and say I want to lose weight, she says that she is willing to be here for support, but that it is not something that determines whether she loves or wants to be with me. She said she loves me as I am. I think I sometimes create these barriers and see problems that only I see - that are not an issue to the other person. Still, her attitude motivates me to be a better person - for myself and then for us.
Anyway, as much as I am enjoying the excitement and attention, I am proud of myself for keeping perspective. I am not being negative. Just being realistic and trying to take one thing at a time.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Love is in the Air....
Well, well, well..............
It's been a very busy week...and I'm not referring to my studies, either.
I've been talking a lot with the woman from the Czech Republic and we met on Saturday. I was so worried about doing it and was really worried about being rejected, but it worked out fine. In fact, it was way better than fine. We've become very close and I just don't know how it all happened so fast, although with women it does seem to happen that way, doesn't it?
She caught the train in from London and I went to meet her at the station which is a 20 minute drive away. I really liked that she insisted on taking the train to meet me rather than me going to London to meet her. I was impressed by this. Once we met up we went and had dinner at this nice Mexican restaurant and really had a nice time. She is incredibly clever. Very educated. Speaks about 5 to 7 languages fluently. Just a really clever person. She doesn't seem to care about material wealth or superficial stuff and I like that, too. She does have a very serious side to her that is slightly distracting, but it is perhaps cultural. We've talked about it and I can see she is not serious all of the time, so that helps.
Interestingly, while we were having dinner, I received a text from Karen. She was asking again when I was leaving the UK and if we could meet up. Interesting, indeed. I had told Czech about this whole siituation and also showed her the text.
After dinner and when we were walking back to the station, I took her by the hand and dashed across the way to a secluded area near the car park and kissed her endlessly. Being with her felt so good. It was beautiful. It was pouring down with rain and we were drenched standing there kissing and then staring into each other's eyes. She has a pretty face and nice body. I was so turned on by the tenderness and the beauty of the moment. The next day when we were talking she asked me why didn't I take her home with me. I was so shocked. Because she is so serious and had been saying all before how she would never just be intimate with someone when just meeting them, I never bothered to push things much further. She is not as forward as some of the women I've known before, although she is definitely coming out of her shell!
With her, I feel like there is a balance - an even exchange. Even as I type this, she has called me. I love how attentive and caring she is and the way she puts me at ease. I think both of us are so surprised at how quickly things have happened with us. There is such intensity...and I like it....very much...I do have my feet on the ground, though, because I realise this could just be the excitement of meeting someone new. It's always that giddy feeling at the start.
Plus, there is an issue. I mentioned that she is in this open relationship. We've talked a great deal more about this and it seems it is more an open relationship from her girlfriend's side and not hers. Her girlfriend is also having a baby and had been trying for ages to get pregnant. All of it is very one sided, it seems. They have been in this relationship for 10 years and Czech has accepted a lot of things that perhaps she should not have. We've all been there. Since moving to the UK she is enjoying her freedom and wants to explore being with other people if the opportunity arises. Apparently, they broke up before she left to come here and then got a job here and at the same time her girlfriend found out she was pregnant. Once all of this happened they tried to work things out.
Now she has met me and wants to know me better and to spend time and see if there is a chance for a relationship. I'd like that, too, but I've told her I don't think we can have a relationship if her girlfriend is not okay with it. I'm happy to try something unconventional and open, but this does not sound like it is a solid relationship and I don't want drama or conflict. Czech seems like a very peaceful and calm person. She seems like someone who wants to do the right thing and please everyone. This is good, but I have told her that she must do whatever makes HER happy. She has decided to speak with her girlfriend about all she is feeling and she feels that if her girlfriend will not give her the freedom she wants then she will have to end things. I've just told her whatever she does, she can't base her decision on me or anyone else, but on herself and her happiness.
I've not done the relationship thing, really, and I am closeted, so I have reminded her of how challenging that will be for the two of us. She understands but says she still wants to try. I have to admit I like how we connect. We communicate very, very well. We have great conversations and we get on well, but it is still very early days. For now, I just want her to address her situation and once she has done that in the next week or so while her girlfriend is visiting, then we can talk about what is next. I don't want her in a position where she feels she has to keep me a secret or where she is telling lies or anything like that. She is not this sort of person and I don't want to encourage her to do something that is not her and just not right. Besides, I don't want this sort of thing, either.
Whatever happens, I am glad she has fallen into my life. She is definitely a quality person. And I look forward to us learning more and more about each other because I do care about her...and it is clear she cares about me, too.
It's been a very busy week...and I'm not referring to my studies, either.
I've been talking a lot with the woman from the Czech Republic and we met on Saturday. I was so worried about doing it and was really worried about being rejected, but it worked out fine. In fact, it was way better than fine. We've become very close and I just don't know how it all happened so fast, although with women it does seem to happen that way, doesn't it?
She caught the train in from London and I went to meet her at the station which is a 20 minute drive away. I really liked that she insisted on taking the train to meet me rather than me going to London to meet her. I was impressed by this. Once we met up we went and had dinner at this nice Mexican restaurant and really had a nice time. She is incredibly clever. Very educated. Speaks about 5 to 7 languages fluently. Just a really clever person. She doesn't seem to care about material wealth or superficial stuff and I like that, too. She does have a very serious side to her that is slightly distracting, but it is perhaps cultural. We've talked about it and I can see she is not serious all of the time, so that helps.
Interestingly, while we were having dinner, I received a text from Karen. She was asking again when I was leaving the UK and if we could meet up. Interesting, indeed. I had told Czech about this whole siituation and also showed her the text.
After dinner and when we were walking back to the station, I took her by the hand and dashed across the way to a secluded area near the car park and kissed her endlessly. Being with her felt so good. It was beautiful. It was pouring down with rain and we were drenched standing there kissing and then staring into each other's eyes. She has a pretty face and nice body. I was so turned on by the tenderness and the beauty of the moment. The next day when we were talking she asked me why didn't I take her home with me. I was so shocked. Because she is so serious and had been saying all before how she would never just be intimate with someone when just meeting them, I never bothered to push things much further. She is not as forward as some of the women I've known before, although she is definitely coming out of her shell!
With her, I feel like there is a balance - an even exchange. Even as I type this, she has called me. I love how attentive and caring she is and the way she puts me at ease. I think both of us are so surprised at how quickly things have happened with us. There is such intensity...and I like it....very much...I do have my feet on the ground, though, because I realise this could just be the excitement of meeting someone new. It's always that giddy feeling at the start.
Plus, there is an issue. I mentioned that she is in this open relationship. We've talked a great deal more about this and it seems it is more an open relationship from her girlfriend's side and not hers. Her girlfriend is also having a baby and had been trying for ages to get pregnant. All of it is very one sided, it seems. They have been in this relationship for 10 years and Czech has accepted a lot of things that perhaps she should not have. We've all been there. Since moving to the UK she is enjoying her freedom and wants to explore being with other people if the opportunity arises. Apparently, they broke up before she left to come here and then got a job here and at the same time her girlfriend found out she was pregnant. Once all of this happened they tried to work things out.
Now she has met me and wants to know me better and to spend time and see if there is a chance for a relationship. I'd like that, too, but I've told her I don't think we can have a relationship if her girlfriend is not okay with it. I'm happy to try something unconventional and open, but this does not sound like it is a solid relationship and I don't want drama or conflict. Czech seems like a very peaceful and calm person. She seems like someone who wants to do the right thing and please everyone. This is good, but I have told her that she must do whatever makes HER happy. She has decided to speak with her girlfriend about all she is feeling and she feels that if her girlfriend will not give her the freedom she wants then she will have to end things. I've just told her whatever she does, she can't base her decision on me or anyone else, but on herself and her happiness.
I've not done the relationship thing, really, and I am closeted, so I have reminded her of how challenging that will be for the two of us. She understands but says she still wants to try. I have to admit I like how we connect. We communicate very, very well. We have great conversations and we get on well, but it is still very early days. For now, I just want her to address her situation and once she has done that in the next week or so while her girlfriend is visiting, then we can talk about what is next. I don't want her in a position where she feels she has to keep me a secret or where she is telling lies or anything like that. She is not this sort of person and I don't want to encourage her to do something that is not her and just not right. Besides, I don't want this sort of thing, either.
Whatever happens, I am glad she has fallen into my life. She is definitely a quality person. And I look forward to us learning more and more about each other because I do care about her...and it is clear she cares about me, too.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Making Connections
I found this gay online chat site a few nights ago and have been chatting with two women in particular. It's been really nice. Nothing serious going on. It's just great to be able to chat with people who I can be open with and who share some common interests. One is from the Czech Republic and we've chatted on the phone. She is really interesting and clever, which always holds my attention. She is in a relationship and her partner is expecting a baby. Apparently, they have some version of an open relationship, but it doesn't sound like it is about trying to shag as many women as possible; rather, it sounds like a mature and realistic approach to life, understanding that you have a level of commitment with one person, but that you will also meet others who might enter your heart. Whatever the case, it was interesting to hear how she views life.
The other women is English and I ended up talking to her because I was mad horny and I wanted some phone sex last night. I was so worked up that I just went online last night and announced this fact in the chat room. We all had a few humourous exchanges about it and then I had a private IM with this one woman who had IM'd me earlier in the day. I was pretty skeptical about how she would be and part of me figured she might be a really butch and rough sounding chick (which would have so put me off), but I was about to explode and couldn't be bothered to think clearly about it all. She gave me her number and when she answered the phone, my goodness! She was nothing like I expected. In fact, she sounded so feminine and proper and she was incredibly engaging. We talked for over 2 hours, with a good phone sex session lodged in there somewhere. Seems a bit straightlaced and guarded, but she became very relaxed and told me she was so turned on by my voice. She also kept saying that she found me very cultured and intelligent. How sweet, eh? I liked that. Another very clever one, too. She says she is a lawyer and she seems to really love her work, which is good.
So, it was nice to make new pals. No idea if I will meet them or whatever. I'm just enjoying the connection at this level for now. It's fun and I am looking to connect with a few more - not necessarily on a sexual basis, but just as friends.
Last evening I also got a text from Karen, which surprised me. It said, "When are you planning to go home? Kx" And me, being my cheeky, playful self, replied with, "Why? R u and ur glasses coming with me?" (We had been having jokes about her wearing glasses now.) Later on, she replied with, " No they are all foggy now!" (We've been having foggy weather.) So, I said, "Damn London fog. Well, you had better wear sunglasses instead. Much sunnier on [Invisible Island]. I will get u a cane so u don't bump into things. lol!" (I know! I'm so cheesy! lol!) And that was that. I think I am figuring her out a bit better. She is one of those people you just have to leave alone and then she keeps inching more and more in your direction. Whatever. Part of me likes her, but a larger part of me is not giving into her power plays and stuff. Picking me up and putting me down. It's time she realised just what she has missed. The old me would have dialed her number after the text or would have answered her question and then some. Not now. Nahhhhh...Still not that up for seeing her, but not saying it to her and will see how it all goes. It will fizzles out for good, eventually. For the moment, she is probably liking that I am not making myself so available to her. Who knows?
Hmmmm....
While typing just now, I got a text from the Czech saying she enjoyed talking with me and would like to get my personal email. Yeah, will send to her. She is sweet. We were having a really good conversation about culture and race and it was quite stimulating. I love it when people take the conversation to a higher level and can hold their own. I've missed that a great deal.
Well, I still haven't done that essay for L's course and the term is starting tomorrow. I will submit it in the morning. She can do what she likes with it. I just want to get on with my term - my last one! - and wrap up my studies......
Happy Sunday, folks! xx
The other women is English and I ended up talking to her because I was mad horny and I wanted some phone sex last night. I was so worked up that I just went online last night and announced this fact in the chat room. We all had a few humourous exchanges about it and then I had a private IM with this one woman who had IM'd me earlier in the day. I was pretty skeptical about how she would be and part of me figured she might be a really butch and rough sounding chick (which would have so put me off), but I was about to explode and couldn't be bothered to think clearly about it all. She gave me her number and when she answered the phone, my goodness! She was nothing like I expected. In fact, she sounded so feminine and proper and she was incredibly engaging. We talked for over 2 hours, with a good phone sex session lodged in there somewhere. Seems a bit straightlaced and guarded, but she became very relaxed and told me she was so turned on by my voice. She also kept saying that she found me very cultured and intelligent. How sweet, eh? I liked that. Another very clever one, too. She says she is a lawyer and she seems to really love her work, which is good.
So, it was nice to make new pals. No idea if I will meet them or whatever. I'm just enjoying the connection at this level for now. It's fun and I am looking to connect with a few more - not necessarily on a sexual basis, but just as friends.
Last evening I also got a text from Karen, which surprised me. It said, "When are you planning to go home? Kx" And me, being my cheeky, playful self, replied with, "Why? R u and ur glasses coming with me?" (We had been having jokes about her wearing glasses now.) Later on, she replied with, " No they are all foggy now!" (We've been having foggy weather.) So, I said, "Damn London fog. Well, you had better wear sunglasses instead. Much sunnier on [Invisible Island]. I will get u a cane so u don't bump into things. lol!" (I know! I'm so cheesy! lol!) And that was that. I think I am figuring her out a bit better. She is one of those people you just have to leave alone and then she keeps inching more and more in your direction. Whatever. Part of me likes her, but a larger part of me is not giving into her power plays and stuff. Picking me up and putting me down. It's time she realised just what she has missed. The old me would have dialed her number after the text or would have answered her question and then some. Not now. Nahhhhh...Still not that up for seeing her, but not saying it to her and will see how it all goes. It will fizzles out for good, eventually. For the moment, she is probably liking that I am not making myself so available to her. Who knows?
Hmmmm....
While typing just now, I got a text from the Czech saying she enjoyed talking with me and would like to get my personal email. Yeah, will send to her. She is sweet. We were having a really good conversation about culture and race and it was quite stimulating. I love it when people take the conversation to a higher level and can hold their own. I've missed that a great deal.
Well, I still haven't done that essay for L's course and the term is starting tomorrow. I will submit it in the morning. She can do what she likes with it. I just want to get on with my term - my last one! - and wrap up my studies......
Happy Sunday, folks! xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
